Effing Dykes

Effing Dykes

• Experience the Excitement
  Tweet Tweet  [thanks! Selina of selinaloper] Hiya clam-jammers! What’s happening? It’s a perfect mid-June evening, and I’m sitting here typing this with all the windows open. My hair is air-drying from a bath I took a little while ago, and I have peach iced tea [...]
• Baby Just Say Yes
  Tweet TweetHiiiii cunny lingerers! How’s by you? Ahhhh I need to tell you I have the best work crush going right now.   Eee hee hee we are talking a cute, kinda androgynous, totally mysterious work crush—I don’t know her name, I don’t know what [...]
• Boxes Of All Sizes
  Tweet Tweet How’s it goin’, clit whisperers? Everything is lovely here. So calm. As I write this, I have a roast going in the Crock-Pot, almond milk yogurt going in the yogurt maker (yes! I am that dyke!), and a bunneh quietly nibbling tiiiiiny little [...]
• Heart of Glass
  Tweet Tweet Hi oyster shuckers! What’s happening? Over here in Chicago, it’s been weird-weathering for weeks.   Nothing like what you faggettes have on the East Coast, but seriously. In January, we had a 24-hour period in which it was almost 70 degrees one day and raining [...]
• Playing XBox
  Tweet TweetHi there, vagina-diners! Greetings from the black hole of time. Jeez. In the two months since we’ve talked, we’ve had Mitt Romney vanish like a bad dream and we’ve survived an almost-apocalypse. (Two totally unrelated events.)   Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukkah and New Years came and [...]
• Today On a Very Special ELECTION EDITION of Effing Dykes: In Which We Lose Our Shit Entirely
  Tweet Tweet Hiiii canyon-yodelers ! Everyone take a really deep breath. Innnnhale…… annnnnnnnd exhale.   AGGGGGH IT’S NOT HELPING. OK I can’t. I just really cannot. *Warning* This post is about THE ELECTION. It’s not specifically about dykes or gaydar. (I mean, the election has everything to do with dykes in [...]
• The Body Electric
  Tweet TweetHiiii vadge-badgers! How’s it goin’??? Over here in Chicago, the weather has stopped hot-boxing us at last. Thank gawd. It’s finally cool again, and Chicago’s teacher strike is finally over.   This is excellent news, not just because teachers deserve better pay and conditions and benefits [...]
• Top That
  Tweet Tweet Morning, doughnut-glazers! Holy shit. Hooooly shit. Y’allfags? Before we can talk about anything else ever again, I need to tell you a really humiliating story, mmkay? Total Seventeen magazine “I-got-my-period-for-the-first-time-during-our-school-play-wearing-white-tights” moment. It just happened. I am dying. I am dying. But! *Warning* This story is sliiiightly gross, [...]
• How do we define cheating in lesbiqueer circles?
  Tweet Tweet Hiya slit-ticklers! I’ve missed you! And it’s warm out! It’s finally warm out!!   Chicago’s beaches are open and sundresses are in season and the question “But do they have a patio?” is now the only determining factor in whether or not I’m going [...]
• Conjunction Junction
  Tweet Tweet Hiya poon-tangers! Christ almighty, it’s been busy around here. This past Sunday, after three years of work…CJ graduated from her masters program.   She’s had a big thesis show up for several weeks. Her whole family was in town, and we had people here every [...]
• Push Here To Open
  Tweet TweetHow’s it hanging, love-tunnelers? Well. It’s been touch-and-go for years, but it’s official: I finally love Chicago. I really, really do. When I first moved here, I hated it. The cool green streets of Minneapolis were fresh in my mind, and all my friends were there [...]
• Wide Open Spaces
  Tweet TweetWhat’s up, gash-snackers? Hehehe. Remember when I was bitching about it being winter forever? Remember when it felt like winter would never end???   Well! The ground has thawed! The breeze has mellowed! The daffodils and crocuses (croci?) are budding through the damp, cool earth, sending [...]
• Pay It Homoward
  Tweet TweetHiya minge-munchers!! It’s a new year! We made it! The last year of life on Earth, according to the Mayans and shitty Hollywood summer movies! Here we are, eleven days into 2012, and I must say that, so far, my New Year’s resolutions [...]
• Come Together
  Tweet Tweet Ciao, dew-lappers!! Hmph. Just look at you. Sitting there, snug in your chair, one hand on a delicious beverage and the other scrolling down this mess.   A minute ago, you gleefully clicked through your facebook and email and animalstalkinginallcaps and checked Rick Santorum’s highly [...]
• We Made It Through The Wilderness
  Tweet Tweet G’day, bush rangers! Well, what an exciting morning this has been. So: Once upon a time, there was an elegant little Italian bakery on my street that sold almond cookies. They melted on your tongue and were as light as air and were [...]
• Coffee Talk
  Tweet TweetHey there, magic fingerers! What were you for Halloween? I hope it was something awesome. I hope you got compliments all night. I hope it was so spectacular that it could have competed with this little gem: OMG TIMOTHY MAXWELL THUMPERTON WENT AS HARRY POTTER!!! Isn’t [...]
• Shake That
  Tweet TweetHola, velvet tunnelers! If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?   I know, I know. Questions like that are a cheap way of getting to know someone. Questions like that come printed in brochures called “Connecting With Your Teen.” But seriously. Assuming [...]
• The Fabric of Our Lives
  Tweet TweetWhat’s up, box-handlers? Ahhh it’s finally Fall.   I’ve been waiting for this. Sweaters. Scarves. Tall boots. Girls in tweedy blazers. Gusting winds. Being naked under down comforters. Suddenly needing socks.     At last, at last. The surly neighborhood 14-year-old boys who hang out in front of the produce store [...]
• That’s Not a Recent Picture
  Tweet Tweet   Hey there, cave-dwellers! Have you ever had strep throat before? I ask you this because I was just eating delicious gluten-free shortbread cookies after work this afternoon. In the midst of shoving crumbly fistfuls down my throat, I looked at the bag. It suddenly [...]
• I Choo-Choo Choose You
  Tweet TweetHiya clambakers! Well, Kelly is married. The Straightest Girl in the World has been married off. Ladies and gents, there will never be another one like her. As I stood for the 7th straight hour in nude-colored spike heels, sinking into a lawn in [...]
• Are you gonna eat that?
  Tweet Tweet  Hiya fish-mongers! How was your Pride? Mine was, um, epic. Live/drunk blogging was ridiculous. Nothing happened with God-Des, obvs. The girls I was driving with found her wandering the streets of downtown at 2:30 in the morning, looking for her hotel. We hollered at God-des, stuffed her [...]
• Toy Story
  Tweet TweetHeya gaymos! I come to you as one broken. Today is a day of grief; a day of remembrance. Today I got rid of my beautiful silver glitter dildo.   The one I’ve had for years, the one I always turn to. My standby, my darling. GlitterDick. Y’allfags, [...]
• From July to the End of September
  Tweet Tweet Hiya, mons-fondlers! You know when you get a new magazine and you go through it, methodically ripping out all the little postcards? 80% Savings Off Newsstand Price! Give A Gift Subscription! Wow! First 3 Issues Free! Two years for the price of [...]
• Busy Hands Are Happy Hands
  Tweet TweetOhhhhh shit. I hope you’re sitting down. I hope you’re sitting down and you’re having a nice afternoon and work isn’t pissing you off and you have an iced latte and at least two Excedrin Migraines, ’cause… Um, Kelly Has A Question. Let’s just [...]