Red Flags Part Deux–First Date Faux Pas

RedFlagSo, you’ve met a girl (at one of our events…naturally). You cautiously looked out for the red flags we mentioned before. Now that you’ve moved past the meet and greet phase, its time for the first date. Keep your ears on alert, just in case she says any of the following off-the-wall, First Date Red Flag lines!

“So, is your apartment pet friendly to renters? ‘Cause I have two furbabies….”

Flags1OK, if this comes out of your gal’s mouth, don’t walk…RUN. Seriously. Don’t even say goodbye. Just throw down some cash to cover your portion of the date and start your own personal 100 yard dash-for-your-life. First of all, she said ‘furbabies.’ Unacceptable (at least on the first date…that freak flag can’t fly till at least you’ve met said pets). Secondly, she just whipped out the UHaul keys. WHAT? Slow down, Jill. I’m not ready to tumble down that hill with you quite yet.

Most of the conversation is about her pet (cat/dog/hedgehog/ferret/whatever)

Flags2Look. I’m a pet owner. I totally get it. My dogs are cute as shit. But I realize that no one really gives a damn how cute I think my pets are. Again, unless said pet is sitting directly in front of you, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to spend more than 3-5 minutes talking about their pet. Any more than that and you gotta start wondering if the person has any other hobbies other than animal-tending. Unless her job is a full time vet, pet store owner, groomer, or some other animal-based profession, she’s got no business chewing off your ear about her adorable fluff-balls.

“I’m hoping to start having children in the next couple of years.”

flags3Yeah, yeah…we’re all women. We’re supposed to be somehow genetically predisposed to think about babies all the time, according to modern society. Whatever your stance is on kids, it is not ok to bring it up on the first date. Look, lady, I’m no easy bake oven for you to baste whatever I’ve got cookin’. Lets have the kid convo later. MUCH later. I don’t care how quickly that bio clock is ticking…nor do I care about the shelf life of that “premium juice” you’ve got stocked up in your freezer.

“I would take you back to my place but my…um…my roommate told me I can’t bring dates home.”

FLAGS4The key here is the hesitation on the word roommate. Unless the the gal is in college, or sharing an obscenely small space, it’s doubtful that this is a roommate. Read between the lines. This is a “roommate.” That probably means that they’re already f*cking, they want to f*ck, or there’s some major unresolved issues. Either way, the “roommate” is probably an ex, so it’s time to push the eject button.

If they constantly look at their phone, or leave the table to make phone calls.


If someone is always scanning the room & won’t look you in the eyes when they’re talking to you.

flags5Either way you cut it, this has a big dose of Dr. Phil’s mustachioed voice of “She’s just not that into you” screaming in your face. Unless she works in the medical profession & is on call, she has a sick kid at home, or she’s waiting for a job offer that for some reason may call in the middle of the night, there’s no good reason that she should be on her phone. Scanning the room basically sends the same signals. Is she bored or just looking for another woman? Either way, you deserve someone who can at least pay attention to you. Move on.

Asks the waiter at a restaurant if they “just have chicken nuggets or something normal.”

Erm…what? I just brought you to this nice fancy resto and you want chicken nuggets? Not just chicken or something at least a person over the age of 6 orders? OK, so its not time to run screaming quite yet, but a picky eater of this caliber might translate to high maintenance in other areas. Move forward with caution – unless doting on your lady hand & foot is your thing.

Date Rescheduling

OK, so the date rescheduling is a bit of a grey area, so lets break this down to 3 categories:

She reschedules the date without a REALLY good reason.

Well, OK, so sometimes shit happens. Sometimes emergencies come up. Maybe she just became super ill and it’s actually legit. Whatever it is, she’d better give you a reason. At the very least, you’re certainly owed a pittance of compassion. In order to show she’s not jerking you around, she should suggest a future date and follow up. If the excuse is kinda shady, or if there’s none at all, time for the alarm bells to ring.

If you’re the date rescheduler and she responds, “Since you had to reschedule our first date, you’re obviously not as into me as I am into you.”

As with the aforementioned addendum, unless you’ve got a really good excuse, don’t cancel the date. Period. And, no, being tired is NOT a good excuse. Assuming all the best, if she doesn’t take your explanation for what it is, there’s something majorly wrong. Is she looking for pity, party of one? Is this the first passive-aggressive play? Is she already digging in the hooks for a stage five cling? Whatever it is, the result is still the same. Don’t even think about rescheduling that date. Ever.

Rescheduling the rescheduled date.

So perhaps she rescheduled the first date and had a really good excuse. When it came to time for a redo, she calls and – what? Another cancellation? Is it armageddon? The apocalypse? Sorry, but it’s nearly statistically impossible* to have two mega emergencies that deserve a date ditching. Either she’s a flake or she’s got a binder full o’ ladies…and you’re not on the first page. Time to open a new book.

*I’m not a statistician and I do not claim that this is in any way accurate. But seriously.

A laundry list of places they would “just rather avoid” because of “potential drama”

flags6Yes, every lesbian has drama. Yes, every lesbian has baggage. So, maybe one bar is a particular hangout of an ex, so she’d rather not. Two is getting annoying but understandable. Anything more, and…well…what the fuck?! This is Chicago afterall. Ya can’t avoid drama if you are the drama. This is a big in-your-face neon sign to get the fuck out. NOW.

When she keeps telling you how adorable you are, how smart you are, how powerful you seem, how together you must be…and you have not even said a word.

flags7Back up, back up, back up. Wait. First, how’d you meet her to get that first date? OKCupid (oh, whatever, don’t act like you’re not on there. Every lesbian is on there)? Well, OK, if you somehow met her through a dating site, through Facebook, or some other internet wonder that releases some info than this might be a fair statement. Even still, an internet profile is never a guarantee that you don’t (or she doesn’t) suffer from a case of the crazies. She should, at the very least, want to get to know the real you before she starts in with the compliments. If she starts in with the personality panegyric prior to witty banter, she’s not interested in dating you. Rather, she’s interested in dating the idealized imagined illusion of who she wants you to be. Even though we all want to be the best version of ourselves, she’s still made up a person that doesn’t exist. It’s insanely tempting to take this bait, but don’t. She’s projecting what she wants, not what you are. Trust me, you’re awesome right now. If she can’t see you for what you are, it’s just not worth it.

It’s that, or she stalked you. Everyone knows “just say no” to stalkers.

“Hey I can’t find you on Facebook…” is followed up by “Oh yeah, I had to change my name several times.”

We all know people who have changed their profile to a nickname or some such thing for job security or whatever. They key here is “several times.” This is only valid if she says “Yes” when you ask if she’s ever been in the witness protection program (but also, they aren’t allowed to say “yes” if you ask that. So now she’s just a liar). Otherwise, what’s she trying to hide? Why so many name changes (and how has Facebook not removed you due to their terms & conditions)? This reeks of instability, dishonesty, and deceit.

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About Tina

A transplant from the snow and mountains of Upstate NY (why, yes, there IS an entire state above NYC!), Tina moved to Chicago in 2005. Since then, she’s taken full advantage of Chicago’s sports scene, participating in rugby, volleyball, and hockey – just to name a few. Her first love, however, is soccer. She's proud to have participated in both the 2006 and 2010 Gay Games as well as the 2009 Out Games. In addition to sports, Tina enjoys traveling (she tries to cross the atlantic at least once a year). Tina is a ‘Jackie of all trades’, so prepare for the unexpected!


One Response to “Red Flags Part Deux–First Date Faux Pas”

  1. See, I don’t immediately consider talking a lot about pets as a red flag. A cat person is on of the factors I find really hot. It’s a fine line.

    Posted by Violet | May 20, 2013, 1:38 pm

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