The 6 Steps to Coming Out


By Kristen Baker

1) Know who you are.
At least the truth of who you know yourself to be today. Your knowledge of yourself is going to CONSTANTLY evolve. Constantly. Don’t be afraid of that, lean into it. Just trust who you know yourself to be today. And challenge yourself to keep peeling back the layers. But be true to who you are today. Trust yourself today. And ask for help when you need it. Tuning into who you are is a practice. There are tools that make it easier.

2) Release all fears that you are inherently unlovable/unworthy/not good enough
The belief you are less than anyone else is just bull crap. It is a defense mechanism to let yourself off the hook and not take responsibility for creating the life you want. We just are. No one is THAT special that they are unlovable. Lovability isn’t even a real characteristic. Because love isn’t something you are or are not. Love is something that is ever present in the world. You get to choose to connect to it. Or you get to choose to disconnect from it. It is up to you. 100%

But to be real. Releasing this fear can take some time. And, for me, took some help. And it isn’t something that necessarily “goes away,” you just get better and better at seeing it, releasing it, and not letting your life be stuck because of it.

3) Release fears about your life
If I come out, I will miss out on {fill in the blank}. This is what is known as the infamous “FOMO” – fear of missing out. If I come out, I will miss out on friendships, business opportunities and relationships, you name it. But here is the thing about FOMO. When you are stuck in FOMO, you miss out on YOUR life. Your real life. The life meant for you. As you. If you DON’T come out – what are you missing out on? REAL friendships, REAL business relationships. You miss out on real, in favor of pretend. How has that worked out for you in the past? Fulfilling?

But don’t just dismiss them as figments of your imagination, either. FOMO is there because it thinks it is protecting you. Hear it out, and then release it.

4) Release the fear of judgment
People are gonna judge you. Shocker. Give them permission to. Let them be them. Let you be you. Resisting this truth just brings about suffering for YOU. Not them. Just you. If you are REALLY hurt by their judgments, this is really great information for you. Because it means you hold the same judgments about yourself. And that is OK. But, I would challenge you to take a good hard look at that judgment, figure out why it is there, if it is serving you, and give yourself some radical compassion. I mean radical. If you are really triggered by hearing the guy on TV tell you that coming out is selfish – deep down, you probably think (or are afraid) it is. He was just a mirror of your own fears. Good to know that you think that. So, ask yourself “why”? And once you know why – what are some ways you can let it go?

5) Release the fear of pain of losing people in your life
When you release the fear of judgment, and you start showing up as yourself, relationships you already have will inevitably change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes not. People you love may act differently around you. They are going to have their reaction. And it will have nothing to do with you. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. You will miss conversations with them. You will miss laughing with them. But also know that you might be missing a fantasy version of them and the relationship you had, or wanted to have. That was never real. Don’t suffer over what was never real. Just be willing to feel the pain of missing what was, in favor of building relationships that are real.

6) Build a bigger life
Coming out can seem scary because you are worried about losing people you love. You might. But you will never lose love. You can connect to love in all kinds of nooks and crannies in this world – deep meaningful friendships, doing a project that lights you up, reading a book that changes your life, a conversation with a new friend, taking a dog for a walk, writing a poem, singing a song, doing yoga, taking on a new sport. Love is available to you in so many ways. Don’t attach to just ONE way of allowing it into your life. Build a life full of ways to connect to love, all the time.

About The Guest Blogger
KristenKristen is a certified coach who is committed to helping others tune into their voice, their song, because she works ceaselessly each day to connect more deeply and courageously to hers. With love, compassion, integrity, and authenticity. Kristen craves the opportunity to work with those who are willing to dig deeply, relentlessly, to unearth their truths, fears, dreams. She hungers to witness vulnerability and courage, and to work to uncover what connects each of us to the fire of the human experience. To learn more about Kristen and her latest coaching programs, please visit:


4 Responses to “The 6 Steps to Coming Out”

  1. Thanks Kristen! Read this & it has helped some. My problem is I’m 70 & found my Soulmate almost 20 yrs.ago. My UPC daughter has cut my off. Sent a M’s Day card & said she’d call. Didn’t. My oldest son is non-denom. & talks to me when I call. Next son never wanted to talk about “her.” He’s homophobic.Emails & calls rarely! Youngest son has a history of abuse in 1st marriage & also with the mother of his 2sons. Learned that from Dad. Think he’s gay-in denial. It hurts that I’ve been pushed away, but my happiness now after 3 horrible marriages is my priority. No solution. My Grandaughter, who’s UPC has me on FB. 4 mos. ago she had a daughter, so I am thrilled to see pics & videos!

    Posted by Judy Carlson | June 12, 2013, 6:05 pm
  2. Hey Judy – thanks for the comment! Sounds like a very difficult situation. Let me know if I can point you towards any additional resources for support!

    Posted by Kristen | June 18, 2013, 7:26 am


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