Effing Dykes

Effing Dykes

• Pay It Homoward
  Tweet TweetHiya minge-munchers!! It’s a new year!  We made it! The last year of life on Earth, according to the Mayans and shitty Hollywood summer movies! Here we are, eleven days into 2012, and I must say that, so far, my New Year’s resolutions [...]
• Come Together
  Tweet Tweet Ciao, dew-lappers!! Hmph. Just look at you. Sitting there, snug in your chair, one hand on a delicious beverage and the other scrolling down this mess.   A minute ago, you gleefully clicked through your facebook and email and animalstalkinginallcaps and checked Rick Santorum’s highly [...]
• We Made It Through The Wilderness
  Tweet Tweet G’day, bush rangers! Well, what an exciting morning this has been. So:  Once upon a time, there was an elegant little Italian bakery on my street that sold almond cookies. They melted on your tongue and were as light as air and were [...]
• Coffee Talk
  Tweet TweetHey there, magic fingerers! What were you for Halloween? I hope it was something awesome. I hope you got compliments all night. I hope it was so spectacular that it could have competed with this little gem: OMG TIMOTHY MAXWELL THUMPERTON WENT AS HARRY POTTER!!! Isn’t [...]
• Shake That
  Tweet TweetHola, velvet tunnelers! If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?   I know, I know. Questions like that are a cheap way of getting to know someone. Questions like that come printed in brochures called “Connecting With Your Teen.” But seriously. Assuming [...]
• The Fabric of Our Lives
  Tweet TweetWhat’s up, box-handlers? Ahhh it’s finally Fall.   I’ve been waiting for this. Sweaters. Scarves. Tall boots. Girls in tweedy blazers.  Gusting winds. Being naked under down comforters. Suddenly needing socks.     At last, at last. The surly neighborhood 14-year-old boys who hang out in front of the produce store [...]
• That’s Not a Recent Picture
  Tweet Tweet   Hey there, cave-dwellers! Have you ever had strep throat before? I ask you this because I was just eating delicious gluten-free shortbread cookies after work this afternoon. In the midst of shoving crumbly fistfuls down my throat, I looked at the bag. It suddenly [...]
• I Choo-Choo Choose You
  Tweet TweetHiya clambakers! Well, Kelly is married. The Straightest Girl in the World has been married off. Ladies and gents, there will never be another one like her. As I stood for the 7th straight hour in nude-colored spike heels, sinking into a lawn in [...]
• Are you gonna eat that?
  Tweet Tweet  Hiya fish-mongers! How was your Pride? Mine was, um, epic. Live/drunk blogging was ridiculous. Nothing happened with God-Des, obvs. The girls I was driving with found her wandering the streets of downtown at 2:30 in the morning, looking for her hotel. We hollered at God-des, stuffed her [...]
• Toy Story
  Tweet TweetHeya gaymos! I come to you as one broken. Today is a day of grief; a day of remembrance. Today I got rid of my beautiful silver glitter dildo.   The one I’ve had for years, the one I always turn to. My standby, my darling. GlitterDick. Y’allfags, [...]
• From July to the End of September
  Tweet Tweet Hiya, mons-fondlers! You know when you get a new magazine and you go through it, methodically ripping out all the little postcards? 80% Savings Off Newsstand Price! Give A Gift Subscription! Wow! First 3 Issues Free! Two years for the price of [...]
• Busy Hands Are Happy Hands
  Tweet TweetOhhhhh shit. I hope you’re sitting down. I hope you’re sitting down and you’re having a nice afternoon and work isn’t pissing you off and you have an iced latte and at least two Excedrin Migraines, ’cause… Um, Kelly Has A Question. Let’s just [...]