I have a hard time understanding why I am such a complicated mess. Why the quiet times are my favorite times and the world overwhelms me again and again and again. How can I feel so much so deeply and ponder things so intently when they really don’t have anything to do with my day to day personal existence?
My Gypsy Girl is heading to the mountains again. She says they are calling to her. My Brilliant Boy is taking a week off to play video games and eat pizza. He says “it’s what I do momma”. My Shortie Spice is making waves and doing all the right things for all the right reasons and I worry for her sweet heart to get to the other side unscathed. My person moved to Minneapolis and I am still just not OK with that. My parents are getting older and the time seems to run faster than I can keep up with it and I am afraid that I will miss them more than my imagination dares imagine.
The cats are crazy. The dogs need love. The weeds need pulling and the grout needs scrubbing. Messages keep coming and work keeps calling and traffic keeps buzzing past and no one can hear my worries. The scale screams a number only my disbelief can hear, my hair cut makes me look older than I should and I still have not committed to run that first mile.
Everyone needs another chance and no one is ever happy with the way things are. Mr. and Mrs. Me Give Me Mine are filling the rooms that are vacant on my street and I have nothing in common with anyone. Expectations run high as deliberate contemplations run dry and the world continues to spin on those axis formed from faith.
I have a hard time understanding – and I am a person who needs to understand – I need to know why. I have too many questions and never enough answers. I am a woman who loves a woman and perhaps was always suppose to love a woman but married a man and stayed too many years without understanding why. That deep unknowing – the eternal questions that echo from a place no one can know – they hold me still and keep me from the peaceful place I dream about at night.
On the outside I am a million stars shooting through the North Woods sky on a drunken night in late July. I am the river running wild cutting my way through uncharted ground yearning to end my journey in calm and peaceful waters in some far away and unknown land. But on the inside there is something else – something uneasy and unraveled – unknown and unclear – unspoken and undefined. I asked my Gypsy Girl why – why do I worry so much about so much? Why do I cry for strangers and long for peaceful sunsets and happily ever after? Why do I work so hard for so many and all the while leave myself stranded in exhaustion and muddled in stress? Why can’t well enough be well enough just long enough to let me be enough.
She gave me two words – from a heart that is so much a part of mine – my Girl says – “Because Love”. And in her simple truth came warmth of knowing that I recognized and immediately embraced with a smile. Yes – to love deeply without hope or expectation of having love returned or understood – is a complicated and wonderful thing. And I may never know the reason why.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.