I was killing some time stalking myself on the Facebook and it suddenly occurred to me that my life has really been a roller coaster wild ride the past 5 – 6 years. It almost feels as if I have lived an entire lifetime in this half decade – no wonder I am always ready for a vacation or a long weekend get-a-way!!
When nearly 25 years of marriage comes to a mutual dissolution – for various unknown and obvious reasons – the feeling is something like jumping off that merry go round while it is still moving – or hopping off the treadmill after a 5 mile run – you are standing on your two feet – but your balance is a little off. You are certain you made the right decision to get off the damn ride – but it takes you a minute or two to feel comfortable in your surroundings. You move slowly and deliberately as you regain your bearings and can walk in a pace that is purposeful and sure – and no longer requires a helping hand to steady you as you go.
And with new landscape come new relationships and experiences and open avenues of adventure and possible expectations. For me it was about being on my own for the first time – really ever. But then again – not really on my own – after all I still had a kid at home (bearded and out of high school – but still – my kid) and bills to pay and someone else to be responsible for – but the scenery was indeed different.
Maybe it was more about being able to see the world through new eyes – wide open with the clarity provided by middle age and self awareness. Coming into my own as a lesbian woman in her forties was many things – but for the most part – it was empowering and liberating to face myself in the mirror and know for the first time in a life time – it was ALL of me that was looking back from the glass.
The freedom that accompanies vulnerability and the life experiences that resonate when living an authentic life cannot easily be conveyed with the written word. The air is cleaner, the sleep is deeper, the touch is truer, the vision is not obstructed and the life is indeed richer. Suddenly the weight is effortlessly lifted from your chest and the expectations of society fall meaninglessly aside as you confidently discard the hand-me-down shoes and walk barefoot in the sands of knowing. Knowing exactly who you are – knowing that life is good when we let it be – knowing that love abounds if we open ourselves to it – knowing that tomorrow is the realization of a promise we make to ourselves today.
Allowing someone into your world when you have finally gotten use to flying solo is not an easy thing to do. Lines crossed and chances taken, quiet whispers becoming audible shouts of acceptance, love and encouragement. Waking up alone is displaced by awakening in the light of a softy breathing love in the form of a woman you had never dared hoped to share your secrets with. The gentle breeze of connection flowing into the raging river of passion and promise is a mystery and a miracle all wrapped into one. Love can find us, change and hold us when we are ready.
The thing is – I did not even know what was coming at me when it came – but my heart had healed and it must have known I was ready – because my heart let it happen.
Be ready to let it happen.
You May Also Like:
About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.