Just three days ago – in a once upon a time and oh so long ago place – I would have celebrated my 28th wedding anniversary with a man I had married when I was barely in my 20’s. We were not made for each other and not destined to live the dream together forever and ever – traditional as that time in my life may have seemed. Two amazingly beautiful Costa Rican Irish babies and a history that is tucked away in a safe place of understanding is all that is left of that life.
So my mind wanders through memories and the silent wonders of my life race in and out of my open heart as I reflect on what was then and what is now. There were the years of solitude and reconstruction that followed the dissolution of a marriage. Reinvention, alteration, spiraling confusion and mid life awakenings kept me moving forward through it all. Old friends lost for reasons unclear and new friends found in the light of a different day. I had come out the other side – and my breath was easy and my eyes were clear – for the first time in almost a lifetime.
And as I stood comfortably alone almost a year ago – on new and peaceful ground – a smile took my balance and threw my heart to a place I dared not hope. Her eyes stole my reason and forced me to look outside of myself and dare to love again. I have fallen into the long loving arms of a beautiful girl with perfect skin and trouble making tendencies. My girl is warm and welcoming and through some wisdom that could only be God’s – she has become my home.
Twas a new feeling–something more
Than we had dared to own before,
Which then we hit not;
We saw it in each other’s eye,
And wished, it every half-breathed sigh,
To speak, but did not.
She felt my lips’ impassioned touch—
Twas the first time I dared so much,
And yet she chid not;
But whispered o’er my burning brow,
“Oh, do you doubt I love you now?”
Sweet soul! I did not. (Thomas Moore)
Definitions and acceptances of worlds and communities place me in what is called a non-traditional love – and I scream with fists clenched at the audacity of such a muted proclamation. In these eyes and in this heart no love that is love could ever be imprisoned by tradition – could ever be lessened by un-traditional barriers placed by the shallow minded in this world. I read the words of the poets and they touch me as surely as they touch any other romantic dreamer. My love is no less than your love and your love is no greater than mine – no matter who we happen to love.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? (William Shakespeare)
This love I know does not crave acceptance or tolerance – those things are for the weakest of the tribes. I expect to be free from ridicule and judgment– I expect to know joy and happiness without limit and labels cultivated by unevolved perceptions created in a time that holds no relevance in this moment. All of our hearts, no matter age, color or shoe size, are capable of love. We simply have to unleash the prejudicial beast and accept that simple fact. We are not so different after all – and in the quiet uninterrupted moments of the day – I promise you – the poet speaks to me just as she speaks to you.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.