It doesn’t really matter where you’re standing. Matters even less where you’ve been. The only thing that makes a difference in this world is where you might be going and how you plan on getting there. Doesn’t matter who you know or what you own. Doesn’t matter how many of so many things you collect and display, grow tired of and box away. The structure of your character and the content of your word are simply the most valuable things you can claim to possess that make any difference at all in this lifetime.
I never was a money girl. I never was a gossip hound. I never cared much about what the rest of the world saw in the rest of the world as long as there was peace in my world. Maybe I am just a watered down Buddha girl – looking for the perfect ending to the story I have been writing for most of my life. Maybe I am getting old and tired of the need that everyone seems to have for always having to have more than the next guy and always having to know why things that are worthless are somehow meaningful. Maybe I don’t need a fucking thing really – maybe I am just fine just where I am for all the reasons only I need to understand. Maybe my ship has come in and in this quiet port of contemplation the seas have never been more navigatable……as if that were even a word……
From this place in my life I look at the work that needs to be done to somehow make an impact on our suffering world. I look to find a way to forever have equality for women and human rights for all souls living on this earth. So I do the time when I can for the organizations that best represent the core of my values. I teach my children to see outside of their little worlds so they might make the change to change the world around them. I gravitate towards like minded people and talk the talk as we attempt to walk the walk to places unchartered for rewards unyielding. And I do it knowing that I am making waves in an ocean they said I could not swim. Proving to no one and everyone that life is exactly what we make it.
I often wish life were easier. I wish knowledge and kindness, truth and integrity were integrated into the very core of our societies and were valued as they ought to be valued. I wish my best friend lived next door and coffee brewed itself and autumn days could last forever. I wish I could make my kids little again and dogs smelled like puppies and every breeze carried the ocean through my open windows. I wish for such simple things – I always have and I will never know how not to.
I am tired. Exhausted by road blocks and bureaucracy – drowning in the daily grind and the endless consumption of rhetoric and struggle for power in a world so torn by variances. Perhaps this is one of those things that come with the passing of years – the ability to see so clearly what was once so easy to ignore. The double edged sword – with age comes knowledge – peace – understanding – patience – empathy and acceptance. With a flip of the blade there also comes unavoidable certainty of all that is beyond our reach, of all that cannot be changed or won or bought – or even understood – because that is just the way it is – nothing more – nothing less. Bittersweet – life is ever so.
I don’t know where I want to go with this rant of mine –(God help the Irish) – and as is my way when I get off track and overwhelmed by the complexity this life causes me – I turn to my person. She is always there to pick up whatever it is I think I am throwing down – to calm me when my melodramatic brain wants to run amuck and wallow in dark corners of despair. She brings reason back to my unreasonable heart– and is always and forever able to see the goodness inside of me. With a wink and a precocious smile – she tells me all the things I never want to hear in a way that lets me hear them. This is love unconditional. And really – after all – there are days when that is all I am asking for.
My Leah posted something on her page that simply sums up the bottom line and puts all the worry into perspective….. and so I will borrow from her cause she is nice that way ….”always speak your mind. always look for what lives under the rocks. always appreciate those who let you share their bath time. always continue to make waves, even if you have to learn how to do it alone.” Yeah….what she said.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.