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Dispatch from a Dominatrix, Installment One: A Good Spanking

Kink101So, I’ve always been a pretty vanilla gal when it comes to bedroom fun. Maybe some light hair pulling or a playful slap now and again, but all in all pretty basic. Not because of any hangups, but because it just didn’t seem like I needed anything else.

Well, the other day I was reading some things on the internet and they involved spanking and some controlling behaviors that nobody would ever think (myself included) I would find exciting. And then I realized while reading these blog posts that I was turned on. Surprising? Maybe. Exciting? Definitely. So I guess my questions are… (1) how do I start experimenting with spanking and being controlled in a sexual setting and (2) how do I even bring this up to my partner?

Thanks for your help.

Hi Vanilla,

Welcome to the wonderful world of kink, and congrats on exploring new things! Spanking and  light domination can be great fun, and both are accessible places to begin to explore elements of BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism). You might be surprised to learn that at least 20% of sexually active people engage in some kind of kinky play, and a much larger percentage fantasize about it (Durex Sex Survey, 2005). I mention this because, while it can be intimidating to broach the topic with a partner, it’s quite possible that they’ve thought about it before.

I’m a big fan of shamelessly owning and communicating our sexual desire, so I would suggest bringing the idea up to your partner in a casual but direct way. Tell them how hot you are for them, and that they make you feel safe to explore new things. Tell them you came across something that intrigued you, and let them know how sexy you think it would be if they took control in your encounter and gave you a sound spanking.

If your partner isn’t sure how they feel, or if they need inspiration, you could read erotica or enjoy a saucy film together. You could introduce porn with spanking and elements of domination (there are a variety of gender pairings available, so you can choose what speaks to you), and then discuss the way it made you both feel. It’s possible that these titillating bits make your partner hot as well, but they might be hesitant to tell you for fear of freaking you out or being judged.

Since I’m a spanking enthusiast, I’ve included some tips below for a special spanksperience. Additionally, some light bondage could be great for you. You and your partner can utilize items in your home such as scarves or ties to bind your hands or to secure your ankles to a chair or bedpost. Alternately, it can be hot to shop for toys/tools with your partner, imagining all of the ways you could use the items you’re perusing.  For a starter kit, you could pick up a paddle, crop or flogger, leather wrist cuffs and a blindfold. Keep in mind that you can start slowly, with things that you’re both comfortable with.

Some general spanking tips (many of which apply to other elements of kink):

Practice explicit consent! You and your partner should discuss boundaries and hard lines, and explore options for safe words and alerts to having reached boundaries.

Set the scene. Preparation needn’t be extensive, but it can greatly enhance a play experience. I suggest readying your playspace in a way that makes it feel welcoming and sexy – tidy up, light candles, dim the lights and toss soft throws or scarves around the space for a romantic touch.

Practice. Have your partner practice spanking on an inanimate object first, to test their aim. Then, have your partner give you a few slaps while you rate the strength of your partner’s blows on a scale of one to ten, to give them a sense of how much force you enjoy.

Warm the receiving booty up! Have your partner start slowly, spanking with the palm of their hand. This brings blood to the surface and prepares your bum for more intense force. Moving slowly can be a delicious tease that builds anticipation and allows for more vigorous spanking.

Pique the senses. A sharp swat followed by soft feathers or silk stroking the smarting area is oh-so-sexy. Have your partner tease you: have them slide the crop or flogger up and down your body, slowly and deliberately before giving you a hard hit. This variation keeps you suspended in a state divine anticipation!

Experiment! Play with settings (public or semi-public settings can be exhilarating,) roles (counselor and camper, drill sergeant and private, etc.), power dynamics, costuming and toys. There’s a wide world of saucy adventures at your fingertips, so forge ahead and get some!

I wish you many a red bottom and loads of fun. Let me know how it goes.

Cuntlove & solidarity,

DD

If you have questions for our resident sexual health educator and profoundly kinky Domina,  write in to Dispatchfromadominatrix@gmail.com.

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Discussion

3 Responses to “Dispatch from a Dominatrix, Installment One: A Good Spanking”

  1. Very interesting! Good tips for just about any flavour.

    Posted by Klud | July 9, 2013, 5:23 pm
  2. To overendulge in sexual escapades, is to embrace true, and eventual boredom. Once every barrier has been crossed, what is left but you and your partner.

    Posted by No | July 9, 2013, 7:45 pm
  3. Really good tips here. Not many women get into bondage and spanking, simply because they have never done it before. If handled correctly, it can be an amazing experience. The key is, they person being dominated, needs to feel they can call time out when they need to.

    Posted by Females Pleasure | October 12, 2013, 10:15 pm

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