Sitting across the table at our Sunday morning brunch on a beautiful Chicago morning an old friend looked me in the eye, chewed down her vanilla bean dipped fancy pants French toast, and told me she could tell I was about to somehow become a different person. I’m not really sure where she was coming from when she told me to be careful….told me to be careful not to lose myself in a new relationship and to slow the fuck down. Holy unexpected intervention Batman…..Jesus – someone get me a drink….
The thing is – I am not sure where my friend was coming from and it is marinating in this crazy ass brain of mine. And the fact that she verbalized an assumption that I was destined for defeat rather than trekking towards triumph kind of threw me for a loop. I am the Tortuga baby – the little turtle who moves slowly and deliberately through my days. I am careful to a fault, thoughtful and precise with my heart and my feelings. I don’t jump anymore. Did that one too many times and paid the price – have the scars on my heart to prove it. We are supposed to live and learn and live and grow and live and figure it all out for ourselves. We can’t recognize the win if we have never lost – can’t wake if we have never slumbered – right? Why automatically assume we are going to crash and burn if we open our hearts to love – to chance – to possibilities revealed? Not sure where that kind of negative foreboding unsolicited wisdom comes from. But I am not hopping on that plane – it’s not going to any island I want to visit.
The simple truth is – I am not about to change for anyone. Not now – not ever. I am good with myself – really. This cookie has been baked long enough and has no intention of getting back into the oven – just not happening. It may seem strange, unusual or downright egotistical – but I am on the path I need to be on and there is no wind strong enough to knock me off this yellow brick road. I might learn to open up my heart, I might even think about sharing the left side of the bed with the right person – hell I might even be persuaded to make an extra breakfast burrito on occasion to pack in her cute little lunch box – but I am not about to lose myself. I am not about to become a different Guz – ain’t nobody got time for that!!!
Was it her concern for my future that caused those uncomfortably matronly words to explode from her sweet little mouth? Was it the fact that she had never known me as a girl with a girlfriend? Was I viewed as some motorcycle riding, no more grey hair hiding, rebel with a blog who did not deserve to know love – or at least take a little unchaperoned walk on the wild side? Did I seem reckless and lost, hopeless and bossed into some unnatural place??? Not really sure – still stirring the words around in my head (cause that is how I roll) and trying to funnel them out into some sort of reason I can wrap my arms around.
In the meantime – cut me some slack man – all good in the hood – my momma didn’t raise no fool – I got this. I am taking off the training wheels and heading towards those wide open winding roads – face to the sun baby. Get used to the idea that I will be holding hands with my girl and getting lost in her killer kind green eyes as my knee knocks against hers under the table on any given Sunday morning – and loving every minute of it.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.