It’s a perfect mid-June evening, and I’m sitting here typing this with all the windows open. My hair is air-drying from a bath I took a little while ago, and I have peach iced tea and a bowl full of green grapes and a bunny who desperately, desperately wants one of those green grapes.
In a few hours, I’m heading off to sit outside with a bunch of lezzies on the patio of a bar that’s conveniently located four houses away from mine.
We’re going to drink cheap beer and make filthy dyke jokes and draw penises/dirty shit on every single Snapchat we send to each other.
I fucking love summer.
Also, because I want to look more muscley in my summer tank tops, I just joined the neighborhood gym this week.
Yesterday, I took my first-ever spin class, where I discovered that:
1) spinning is for crazy people and it’s so ridiculously hard I doubt Satan himself could get through a 60-minute class—it is not, for some reason, an easy bike-ride class designed to gently and lovingly get you back on the workout train when you haven’t been to a gym in a year, and
2) you should always know how a bike works before you get on it.
Learn from me, lerbs.
I got to the class a few minutes late and slunk to the last open bike, way in the back of the room.
Apparently the part of class I missed was the explanation about how to set and lock the customizable seat.
During the class, as techno music pounded, I crouched waaaay over the handlebars, ass bobbing in the air (so profesh! didn’t I look like an experienced biker!), and madly spun the pedals with my toes, giving what the giant muscled instructor called “YOUR MAXIMUM 100% EFFORT!!!”
, keeping my eyes on the sweating tattooed shoulders of the girl in front of me.
Just when I was sure I might actually pass out from the pain of my upper thighs bursting into flames, the instructor hollered, “TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH!”, which I took to mean I could sit back down on the seat… except except except the seat wasn’t in the spot my ass remembered it being in (the seat wasn’t locked, and it had slid way down),so when I tried to sit and instead felt like I was falling into thin air, I panicked and serrrrrrriously overcorrected and ending up falling off the bike sideways so spectacularly that the instructorhaltedthe class to see if I was ok.
Imagine 20 pairs of eyes belonging to 20 very fit people staring as I wheezed and flopped hysterically around on the floor next to a (stationary)bike.
Love spinning class.
I’m going again tomorrow.
Today, just in time for Pride, I thought we’d take a little time and answer one of of the lezsexin’ letters that’s been cluttering up the firstname.lastname@example.org!
Y’allfags want to read an earnest babydyke sex question?
Of course you do.
Ok, here you go:
*This has been edited for clarity and brevity, because it was an all-lowercase-letters novel when I got it.*
Q: Dear effing dykes author,
I’m what you would call a baby dyke lol, I’m 19 and I always knew I was gay, I’ve never dated a boy. I have a question for you that is about sex. Do you think a girl would hold it against me if she knew I was pretty inexperienced? (I’ve had sex before, but only with my ex-girlfriend, and she was the person I lost my virginity to. We weren’t together for very long.) Pride is soon, and I was thinking about trying to hook up with a girl I like at a friend’s party we’re both going to, but she’s older than me and I think she’s a lot more experienced. I think she likes me tho, she told my friend she did.
Do you think I should tell her I’ve only had sex with one other person? Or should I not tell her and just see how things go? If I don’t tell her, what if we have sex and I’m not that good because I haven’t had much? And how do I know if I’m at least OK if I’ve only ever slept with one person?
If you get a chance to answer this soon I’d seriously appreciate it, thank you,
A: Daryn, darlin’, I love this question.
Welcome to the world of sleeping with queer women—I hope you stretch your trembling new wings in these halcyon days and soar above many lush and dewy valleys as the sun rises over endless mountain ranges of boobs.
But do me a favor first, hunnybun?
Take a nice deep breath and just calm the hell down.
Your letter has the twinge of creeping hysteria towards the end, and there’s nothing that spoils the delicious anticipation of possible sex like freaking out about the possibility of having sex.
First things first:It is totally, totally ok that you feel like you
don’t have much experience with dyke sex, even though you already had a girlfriend. For that matter, it is totally ok to have zero experience, regardless of whether you think you ought to have it.
We were all in your shoes once, and we can all (kind of, sort of, in a dim, hazy, fading- memory-type-way) remember what it was like to be brand-new at sex with women.
Plus, in order to feel“experienced,” you have to… get experience.
It’s tricky, no? Kind of like when the job you want badly is the job that requires you to have several years of experience doing that very same job.
How are you supposed to have experience if no one will give you experience?!
Everyone (‘cept asexual folks and people who don’t curr) has to start having sex somewhere.
But here’s the fabulous part: No one who honestly likes you is going to give the tiniest shit that you’ve “only” slept with one woman.
Numbers do not matter.
Numbers couldn’t possibly matter less.
If your crush is into you, I promise that she is not and will not be thinking about whether or not you have “experience.”
If she likes you, too, she will probably be thinking about how to get you alone/ask you out/make out with you, not thinking, “Hmm, she’s cute, but Can This Woman Please Me Sexually?”
I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t think I’ve ever used “experience” as a factor that determines whether I’m going to pursue a crush.
I mean, if my crush quotes Little Britain?
That might be a determining factor for me.
If my crush talks about literary theory in a focused and thoughtful way that makes me picture having that very same discussion with her except naked and in bed?
That might make me babble nervously and then falteringly ask her out.
Nope. Not important.
Daryn, obvs tell your crush you’ve “only” slept with one woman if you want to tell her, and if it will make you feel more comfortable.
But keep in mind that firstly, it does not matter, and secondly, you have a powerful tool (heh)
in your shexual toolkit that I think is the MOST IMPORTANT THING when it comes to good fuckin’, and also has nothing whatsoever to do with learned bedroom skills:
Enthusiasm for fucking and gettin’ fucked isvital in determining whether or not everybody has fun during sex and goes home happy.
Good sex is not about technical skillz, friends.
Sex can be many things—amazing and beautiful and weird and serious and vulnerable and fun. Daryn, you’ve (maybe) found someone who might want to do this strange and awesome thing with you! Hooray!
But sex is not fun for anyone if you’re so worried about impressing your partner with sexual know-how that you cease to show them how happy and excited you are to be there with them, in that moment.
Enthusiasm is easy to have and to show, and it matters so much.
Enthusiasm is not something you have to learn or something you need experience to have.
You are born with the ability to be excited.
You don’t have to have had multiple partners or have had someone “show you the ropes” or to have read how-to books to have a good time in bed with someone.
You don’t need anything at all to have fun in bed, other than an extreme desire to make your partner feel good.
If you are excited about sleeping with someone and can’t wait to get your filthy mitts all over their hot body, and you show it, your partner is going to feel more confident with you.
Your obvious excitement is gonna go a long way towards making your partner feel sexy, and… a confident partner who feels sexy and secure in that sexiness with you?
That is what you want.
If we had to write it out in an equation, queermos, it might look something like this:
Enthusiasm + desire to please = good sex.
And fortunately for all sex newbies, there is almost no bigger turn-onthanan excited bed partner.
It is really fun to undress for someone who is dying to see you undressed.
It is fun to fuck someone who really wants to be fucked, and vice versa—it is fun to be fucked by someone who really wants to fuck you.
If something is fun, people want to do it again and again.
But are you maybe worried about the specifics,Daryn?
Like, are you not sure you really know how to move from deep n’ dirty kissing to s-e-x?
Is it that you’re not sure if you know what to do during sex?
If that’s the case, well… don’t forget, it’s not a given that you’re going to be runnin’ the show.
I know this may come as a shock to you, sugarpie, but there are usually two people involved when two people are having sex, and I think you’ll probably get some help in this area, especially if your crush is, as you suspect, a bit more experienced than you.
Sex is not something you do to someone; sex is something that people do together.
You won’t be alone, flying solo and expected to “perform”; you’ll be with someone you really wanna have sex with (who really wants to have sex with you, too.)
And if you are actively engaged in showing her how much you like making out—if you’re running your hands up and down this person you’ve been dreaming about touching and making happy little noises and possibly grinning the way only a thrilled babydyke can during sex, I promise you, your worries will become non-issues.
Are you not sure you know ‘how’ to eat pussy?
Who cares? Lots of people won’t want to right away, and there’s more than one way to muff-dive.
Plunge in (safely and with consent durrr)
and do your goddamned best, and if you’re not sure she’s into it,ask.
Your mouth is good for more than one thing during sex.
Does that feel good? How about this?No? What could I do, here, to make it feel good? What do you like?Is this good?
It solves almost all sex problems!
Display your total, naked desire to make your partner feel good, and follow any instructions you get like an eager puppy.
BOOM YOU ARE GOOD AT SEX K GREAT.
I’d rather have an eager and incredibly enthusiastic partner in the bedroom than a partner who has plenty of technical know-how but isn’t making it clear they’re VERY HAPPY TO BE THERE WITH MY BEWBS.
Enthusiasm trumps ‘skills’ in the bedroom any day of the week, ok Daryn
Now get out there and have a good Pride!
Anybody else have some tips for fledgling queersexer Daryn?
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Krista Burton is brand-new to Chicago. An ex-Mormon from Minneapolis, she writes a blog called Effing Dykes (www.effingdykes.blogspot.com), which is about activating your lesbian gaydar. She spends most of her time staring longingly at enormous dogs, riding her shiny orange scooter around town, and trying to bake gluten-free cake that doesn’t taste like gluten-free cake. She’s a staff writer at Groupon, and loves girls, inappropriate footwear, and hip-hop songs with filthy lyrics.