Guz Viewz – The perspective from our Senior Editor and word wrangler, Kathy Guzman.
It was sort of like that first cold wind of autumn that strikes your summer sunned face and reminds you there is another sort of air to breathe. It was sort of like that. Transitional and unexpected.
She came out of nowhere really. I can’t say where or when or even how she managed to find her way into my space – but she did. Without a thought or proper introduction she was suddenly all around me. In my waking thoughts and sleepy eyed nights there she was. And through the fog of complacency and mundane life events and chores her smile came and took me outside of myself for the first time in a very long time. Disturbingly comfortable and blatantly uncomfortable and all things in between….
There are no U Hauls in the driveway – or down the block around the corner idling for the opportune time to speed into my life. There are no claims on time and wildly controlling expectations of one another. There is calm in the familiar knowing of something sweet and unfamiliar. The childlike rush of possibility encompasses me and it feels a little like throwing that bucket of fresh wet paint across the room onto the still white canvas. What is created is anybody’s guess and out of everyone’s control. But the giddy oh my God let’s make a mess and have some fun feelings are spread all over my silly little heart and messing with my cool. Don’t mess with my cool…..
I have been down a few roads in this thing called life – and I remember them all. They have led me to detailed derailment and unfiltered fulfillment. In the bends of my travels I have known enough love and joy and laughter for many lifetimes to come. I have also known heartbreak, disappointment, and what it means to stand unseen in the light of day by eyes that should have recognized me. And in these years of solitude and recovery, discovery and transformation I have never searched for someone to stand with me inside my time. I wasn’t even sure I even knew how…..
So I stumble towards her in my clumsily uncertain way. I let my heart race and bend and take me to a “dare to do this” kind of place and wait for life to make its next move. Blindsided and frozen in a momentum that I will not question……for once……How did she see me through these walls that I built so strong – so high – so fucking transparent? I guess I will be the first to admit that I never learned how to hide from the seeker – I secretly always wished they would find me after all. Not sure what that means in this grown up world of ours – but truth be told it feels good to be found.
About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.