There she was – right where I knew I would find her. Crawling into the depths of my heart again – through that old back door with the broken lock. She always knew how to break and enter and find a way to stay – as if no crime had ever been committed. And I always knew how to let it happen.
To bury an old relationship deep in the cold hard ground, to walk away all the better for the bitter end of it – takes more time than a reasonable girl might think. And just when you know for certain that you are all good and on to the next – you are not so certain at all. There are the memories and the yearning, the familiar intimacies and the promises shared that you revisit over and over again, if only in your mind. Recognizing the truth that remains tangled in your feelings is a daunting task requiring reflection and acceptance. The work is more than difficult – it is tortuous and defeating – reminding and reliving moments that are better left untouched, unfelt, unremembered. The tedious work must be done if we are ever to release the grip of love lost – 10 steps up and 8 steps back – but ever forward we go.
Time and circumstance twist and turn redefining the definition of what really matters. Age and reason play with logic and remind us that our values, desires and beliefs may not be anywhere near the norm in this world. When will crazy stop being crazy and when will unrecognizable baggage find another porch to land on and when will the voices in our heads tell the reason in our hearts that there really is a peaceful balanced happily ever after kind of place – for sure – for real. And when will our hearts actually believe it? When will our hands actually touch it? When will we stop pacing in a cage of our own creation?
Maybe we just need a vacation. To get away so we will not hear her calling out our name. We may need a panoramic view of unfamiliar oceans and silent whispers from lonely strangers looking to rename their purpose in this world. We need to create distance between us and them so that we can clean up the beautiful mess we have created for ourselves and silence the voices bouncing around in our silly little minds. We all need to recognize the truth when it screams in our faces and disregard the feelings when they play with our minds. Perhaps we need to be a simpler – accept and expect less – trade in the Lafite Rothschild for that Boone’s Farm Apple Wine. Hemmingway for Handler. Contentment and compatibility for simplicity and resignation……..OH HELL NO!!!!!!
As usual – I share too much.
Do we trust too simply? Do we love too completely? We so often want what we cannot define and suffer on our own as we cross borders into worlds that do not welcome us. And yet we must not have stormy regrets or feel sorry for ourselves on any level – ever. We do the work – we walk the walk – we wait for tomorrow as we live through today. We lock that damned back door and throw away the key knowing all the while that we just might bust that door off the hinges so that beautiful mess can find her way inside our heart – just one more time.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.