The leaves have begun to change and autumn is officially here. The season of sweat and fiery attraction has been replaced by the season of sultry glances and layered sweaters. As you look around you and reflect back to this summer, you may have a realization: “Holy shit! A lot of my friends are single now…I’m single now!” According to Facebook data, when analyzing relationship statuses, the number drops dramatically in the summer time. The L Stop team got to talking about this and we realized that being newly single means looking for a new mate, (for some of us at least), and that can be scary. Why? Because some bitches be cray*. So, we’re gonna help all you searchers out there. Because we care.
We’ve put together a quick list of 10 Red Flags that should make you say “Mayday!!” in your brain, and help you avoid being someone’s collateral damage. At the very least, these things should give you pause so you can really decide if you want to pursue the challenge. It’s that one-liner that perks an eyebrow and makes you spit out your whiskey ginger. It’s the gut feeling you pushed aside when the super hot lifeguard hit on you. That was then, ladies. This is now. We’re an entire season older, wiser, and far more selective once Market Days has passed.
1. “I’m still waiting for my divorce to be final.”
Beware of the “separated” woman. Separation means its not official yet, so there’s things in the muck. Gay, straight, queer – Gay, straight, queer – you don’t even know where the other party stands; and you certainly don’t want to become the target of a possibly psychotic almost-ex and their jealousy. Steer clear.
2. “He’s not really my boyfriend.”
Haha. We’ve all heard this one before. While some of us like the straight ladies, just remember one thing: Some hetero couples hit the homo bars JUST to pick up an unsuspecting third. Unless you’re into that kinda thing, abort immediately!
3. “Um, of course I’ve been with a girl before.”
Ah, the really nervous, but really cute straight girl. Unlike #2, maybe she is a single lady. Some are ok with being a teacher, others cringe at the thought. If being her “first” makes you uncomfy then find the exit. Also note that her definition of “being with a girl” may be the 7 Minutes she spent in Heaven lightly kissing with Susan in 1996.
4. “I would NEVER date myself.”
Need we say more? Yes. Unless this sentence is quickly followed by an eloquent explanation about learning new things and gaining new perspectives (it almost never is), move on to the next!
5. “It’s an open relationship and we live together.”
Hmm. This one is tricky. Any idiot can tell you love is complicated. This takes things to a whole new level, but some folks CAN make this work. If you’re the jealous type and pretty monogamous this ones NOT for you, move along caterpillar.
Scary. How old is she really? Even if this sentence just pops into your head and isn’t actually ever said, the rule of thumb is: if you have a hard time figuring out if she’s legal then just avoid. Chris Hansen would agree.
7. “I know we just met, but I think I love you.”
Whoa. Step on the brakes! If there’s one thing us dykies are known for is bringing the U-Haul on the second date. Relationships take time, tell her to slow down or GTFO.
8. “My weekends are all booked, can I see you on Tuesdays?”
Does she play for a band or has some job she only does on the weekends? No? You are being played, friend. If she likes you, she’ll find a way to see you.
9. “I live with my ex.”
No. Just no. Unless they broke up years ago and both have had other relationships between the breakup date and you. But if you go down this road and the “ex” gives you a weird vibe, RUN.
10. “My ex is FUCKING crazy!”
Similar to the one above. If she talks about her ex constantly or keeps saying how crazy she is then you should start to wonder if SHE’S THE CRAZY ONE! Look for repeat stories…if every ex she’s ever had (and she’s had a dozen in the last 2 years) are ALL defined as “crazy” then you best give this girl a fake number and move on.
Well, there you have it. Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule and so, so many more red flags for each of us as individuals. This handy guide only aims to help you warm your fingers safely during these 40 degree nights, (holding hands, DUH). We know there’s plenty more to look out for, did we miss some big ones? Leave your #1 Red Flag in a comment below and we may use it for Part 2!
*We’d also like to point out that “bitches be cray” is not intended, in any way, to imply that women should be called “bitches” as a general moniker. It is not referring to one woman, or to all women. It’s a descriptive colloquialism that is attributed more to an irrational behavior(s) and not to the actual person 😉