By Tina C and Leah S.
*For years, we’ve been throwing our money away. Ladies, seriously. When was the last time you complained about some new toy that was disgustingly disappointing only to hear one of your friends say “I know, right?!” Well, where was the review? Not the online, sanctioned by the company review. Or the store that wants to sell all that backed-up inventory. The real story. The truth behind what is in your friend’s boxes, and what shouldn’t be put in yours.
So, mon amis, we’ve created a guide. Opinions, yes. But sanctioned, tried and true. We’re opening up our most sacred places and sharing them with only our most intimate people…every single one of you.
This installment: Vibrators and Doubles
The Tongue Dinger ($5): (Leah) If it had cost more than $5, I would have said it was a waste of money. Instead, it died within 30 minutes of using it but filled the nights with giggles. It does not stay put. It does not stay on. It does make you slobber, and your tongue goes a bit numb. But if you’re looking to just have some play time and lighten the mood, go for it!
Tongue ring vibrator ($15): (Leah) A disaster, as one can imagine. A giant vibrating ball screwed onto your tongue ring means very little control and a lot of effort to remove it. There is no discrete pause and continuing here!
(Tina) If you enjoy laughing hysterically while you fail fantastically, this is for you. The chattering against your teeth will make you seem almost cartoonish. But, hey, if your partner is OK with laughing hysterically while you try to set the mood…well, go for it.
California Exotics Vibrating Silver Bullet ($10): (Leah) Like most bullets attached to a small battery pack, this one had its pro’s and con’s. The attached batteries made it extremely powerful but impossible to use as a combo with a harness. I like to think it was quiet, as I travelled with it to remote locations and never woke up my neighbors. Plain old AA batteries are a BIG bonus if you travel a lot…you can’t rely on being able to charge things or finding those tiny batteries. Down side was that I eventually pulled the wires right out of the battery pack, which makes the whole thing shot.
One Touch Mini Bullet Vibrator ($10): (Tina) I feel like it’s almost cliché to own, yet it’s the must-have accessory for many non-vibrating dildos. The single setting, while convenient when occupied with other things, might be a negative for some. On its own, it could be fun if you are into extremely intense vibes. IMO, however, it’s more of a feeling that electricity is somehow getting pumped through my body – not exactly how I like to spend my evening. Still the strength means that it can move the feeling through silicone, making it still a must-have in the collection.
(Leah). Agreed about the cliché, but also necessity. Some harnesses make pockets specifically shaped for this little vibe. It is overly intense by itself, and not exactly quiet. But much less vibration may get muffled by the harness, I suppose. It can be difficult to hold in your hand and use as a plain ol’ vibrator, ladies. Still, you gotta have one. Jussssssst in case.
Adam & Eve 5x Finger Vibrator ($15): (Leah) Great idea, as I was seeing a girl who wasn’t very into penetration. Based made plans…it wasn’t snug enough on my fingers and slipped all over the place, making it more frustrating than fun. Think of trying to wear a heavy ring 3 sizes too big. Now think of getting it slippery. Try to balance that against a moving pea. Exactly.
Lelo nea ($55): (Leah) OhEmGee I love this little thing. It doesn’t look like a vibrator much, with little designs drawn on it, so if someone sees it oh…sitting on your bathroom counter, they won’t even blink. It’s rechargeable (thus, more eco friendly) and has a gentle sloping shape that follows your natural curve. A bunch of different settings mean everyone finds what they like. It is quite quiet for something that vibrates THAT hard! Personal love: It’s hard shelled, not a soft skin or flexi material. Downside? Not waterproof and the buttons are in an inopportune place…if you use it in a harness, you will probably turn it off. If you try to use it ON someone, you may turn it off if your finger slips. Battery doesn’t hold a charge all that long (if it’s unplugged for a day, it’s dead…but if you unplug it and USE it right away it lasts all day). Still, worth it worth it worth it.
Lelo lyla ($75): (Tina) <sigh> I really, really, really wanted to like this one. The remote control, flipping it forwards, backwards, and in a figure 8 all do really awesome and interesting things…well, in theory, anyway. I took it on a really long car ride with a former gf – we spent more time asking each other “Is it working? Is it on?” than actually having fun with it. The radio signal seems pretty weak, meaning that you have to be fairly close and in a specific position in order for it to work properly. While that might not be a deal breaker for some, its still not going to be the remote control that you’ll find in all of those lovely erotica stories.
We Vibe I ($55): (Tina) Yawn – what does it for some certainly won’t do anything for others. Then again, perhaps its because I love shiny new technological toys and I am forever an early adopter. The difference between 1 & 2 is (primarily) the lack of variety. So, everything else being the same, I am not a huge fan. The We Vibe doesn’t have enough squish to enjoy with other toys, which seems like the entire appeal of the thing in the first place.
We Vibe II ($70): (Leah) I love love love this!! It’s one of the few softer shelled things I’ve ever liked, much less loved. Waterproof, rechargeable, ecofriendly (even the package is recyclable and they have carbon-neutral manufacturing). It looks like a “U” with enlarged ends on both sides. This means you can put it inside and a head still stays outside, hitting both the G-Spot and the clitoris. It stays in so you can wear it while on top of some lucky lady and it works as a vibrator for both of you. Enables eye-to-eye contact, which is a rarity that I appreciate. It takes a little practice, and a few kegels, to figure out how to wear it if you want to grind on top. I definitely have used it with a dildo (it stays inside as well) and it worked just fine. Not going to lie, you need a dildo that fits you…snugly, for there to be enough tension to hold the We in while you move. Either way, coupled or alone, love this.
Je Joue Sasi ($N/A): (Tina) Suffering again from early adopter syndrome, I rushed to order it to experience the latest & greatest on the cutting edge of sex technology. While not an utter failure, it might be more of an appetizer than an entree. It was supposed to mimic oral sex for women like none other before – and that might be true if the goal was just to tease and not satisfy. Given that the company, Je Joue, doesn’t even make this anymore, you’re probably better off saving up for something else.
Trinity Vibes 5 inch Slim Vibe ($10): (Leah) It is exactly what it claims to be. A great vibe for beginners, as it’s basically the same as one/two fingers. It is waterproof and can be kept chilly for some fun temperature foreplay. Seeing how I’ve been in the game for a while, I wouldn’t waste my time buying it again. Also, makes your hand numb and gets hard to hold onto if you’re using it with someone else.
Mystic Wand ($50): (Tina) Of all the things that we’re reviewing this go-round, this one has to be my absolute favorite. It doesn’t look super impressive, I know, and some may argue that it’s a non-ecofriendly version of other plugin attachments. That might be true, given that I’ve not had my hands (or…um…whatever) on them, but this is small & discreet enough to hide away in a much more convenient place. With 6 different speeds/patterns, it’s hard not to find a feeling that is either fast enough or slow enough for you. An added bonus is that it is priced a bit lower than the premium vibes we’ve been mentioning. Even if you don’t end up loving it, it’s priced right to give it a try.
Mystic Wand Attachment ($25): (Tina) I was a bit skeptical of this attachment, thinking that it wouldn’t be any different than using a regular dildo in combo with the vibe…but man, you would be sorely mistaken if you missed out on the attachment. The curve and fit of the insert is phenomenal for hitting that magic G. You won’t get a lot of thrusting action out of this, but you won’t really need to. The rest of the attachment tickles your clit with the 6 speeds of the mystic wand. Spring for the extra – it’s only about $25 more and oh. so. worth. it.
Sugar Spoon ($30): (Leah) This was one of the first penetrating toys I ever bought and I still like it better than any rabbit or otherwise decorated penetrating vibe. It’s not very big but it has a slight spoon-shaped head on the end that cups the G-Spot. Internally, you have 3 speeds to choose from and you can make the “spoon” rotate (clockwise or counter) to rub gently. You also have a bullet on the outside with multiple speeds. Again, great for foreplay now but wouldn’t do the trick as it is far too narrow. Not intimidating at all and AAA battery operated, so great for a beginner or someone who likes less penetration. Sadly, after years of daily (ahem) use, the silicone holding the bullet in place has started to rip. It’s much more affordable than most Rabbit’s, so I would say give this a try.
Paul & Paulina ($60): (Tina) This is the smiley wormy cousin to the Rabbit. While it might be a bit odd to think just where, anatomically, you’re about to stuff the smirking “Paul”, the various bumps along the way are quite nice. While early versions of this toy didn’t have many vibration options and was…well…as much as you could ask for in the rabbit boom, the later versions look far more promising. In the version I had, however, Paulina didn’t really add enough to the mix to justify pairing the two.
Classic Rabbit Vibrator ($60/$35): (Leah) I had this in “original” size and a mini 3”. Both waterproof, both slightly disturbing. They seemed to be short and squat, not really doing much on the inside and it weirded me out to have rabbit ears outside. It does vibrate pretty well, and if you don’t particularly like a lot inside you, it probably works like a dream. It’s so well known, thanks to the Sex and The City shout out, but then manufacturing errors cropped up and a million knock-offs showed up. Worth it? Jury’s out. I would vote Sugar Spoon over Classic Rabbit (although, I haven’t tried any of the newer Rabbit’s with rotation or the pearl balls etc…that may change the game)
Nexus ($100): (Tina) Given that this double was one of the first that wasn’t something that was straight out of a porno, it was one of the best…when it first came out. The angle on the receiver’s end, as compared to the others, stands more toward 90º. This translates into that fumbling 12yo boy feeling for the wearer. The bonus, however, is that this comes in two sizes. It is in between both of the other models I’ve reviewed, in both size and hardness.
Feeldoe ($120): (Tina) If both of you like it hard, then this is the double for you. The ridges for the wearer might press in the right places to make it fun – but that can lead to some tenderness or bruising if the receiver also takes it hard. For the receiver, however, this is longer than other doubles. The length makes for great leverage if you want it hard & fast, but if you like it slow, close & intimate, you should probably try something a little shorter. You can add some vibration with an aforementioned silver bullet.
(Leah) If your goal is to use this INSTEAD of a harness, you may be disappointed. Consensus is that it tends to slip out in inopportune moments. So many kegels, not enough time.
Share ($90): (Tina) More soft & bendy than the other doubles, this might seem like an ideal candidate for those who prefer softskin over hard. In comparison, however, the wearer’s end has a bit more to deal with, meaning you have to be ready…instead of both of you warming up together.
Duel Vibrating Flexi-Dong ($65): (Leah). I know. The NAME. The horrid, horrid names these people come up with. But as someone who enjoys penetration a lot, and has an occasional bed guest who has similar tastes, this is the best one I’ve found. It’s equally wide and long on both ends so both parties get the same satisfaction. It is, as the name says, flexible, so you can both be sitting up, laying on top of each other, one behind…you name it. It’s not super hard, as it’s coated in soft silicone, but the “flexi” part is hard so it’s quite rigid on the inside. I hate a soft dildo more than almost anything. So I’m biased in that direction. It also has the bonus of vibrating with the touch of a fingertip. Not crazy vibrations, but just enough. It’s not the most expensive double, so expect it to last oh….about that long. Battery operated, the first one I bought I literally turned right around when I got home and had to exchange it because the hinge on the battery area was broken. Still, worth it.
So, there you have it! Questions? Comments? Rants? Raves? Feel free to pass us your opinions on these and other toys. Spread the love ladies, and keep your wealth.
*Prices are approximations and vary by retailer.
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About Leah Schein
Leah is a born and bred Chicagoan, and considers herself extremely fortunate to be raised by amazing liberal parents in Logan Square. Coming from a long family history of equality activism, the crazy world of politics feels like home to her. Her upbringing allowed her to fully appreciate her love of tacos, and provided the support needed to be independent and insane. She is a happy survivor of the public school system, all the way through her undergrad years, culminating with a BA in anthropology. Her love of travel and all things adventurous led to the pursuit of a Master of Science from sunny ol’ England, where she happily grasped a conservation degree and ran off to live in a number of rain forests to research nocturnal primates. Through the amazing diversity she was fortunate to be raised amongst, she has an unwavering appreciation of all cultures and peoples, and has used this to form the foundation of her outspoken support of civil rights. You may have seen her running around Boystown/Tuna town over the last decade, or at events she volunteers at for the Human Rights Campaign. It’s possible you spied her at the Silent Film Festival. That strange woman getting into a wrestling match in the leaves on Foster Ave beach at 3am…that definitely wasn’t her. She couldn’t be more excited about sharing her love of science, and it’s role in our daily lives, with the community she loves. Nerds are cool, people. They drink martini’s too.