Not sure what is going on exactly – I am feeling a little blocked creatively. Can’t find the words to say the things I have been feeling and going through over the past few weeks. Everyone wants to say it must be the birthday thing – the age thing – and in all reality – it isn’t – but maybe it plays a part.
It all started earlier this year when I went to The Dinah in Palm Springs. It was my first venture into the desert for this iconic foray into the wonderful world of hedonistic lesbian shenanigans. I had read about it, heard stories about it, seen it played out in “The L Word” a few years back and always thought it was something that every queer woman should experience in her lifetime. It was an event created by lesbians for lesbians – how could I go wrong? It was California and Palm Desert – how could it not be amaze balls!?
The reality that I found myself facing was one that jacked up my little brain and has been messing with me ever since. It was like spring break for 20 something Lesbos gone wild. It was gummy bears in vodka – sleep with anyone- dirty tag team dance your ass into drunken oblivion crazy time. I was a fish (ha-ha) out of water. And maybe it started to bother me. Not that I didn’t fit in or that I felt old and out of place – NEVER THAT!!! I just found myself wishing there was more to it – a little more meat on the bone – you know?
Don’t get me wrong – I had a great time – I had a freaking wildly fun and memorable time. Hell – I had Vivo and a convertible and Marie and that smile and Baker and all that comes in that bodacious package. I had kick ass margaritas, Madonna at full volume and nothing but blue skies. I just kept wondering about what was missing. I felt like there was a lost piece to this big colorful puzzle – like there was some promise unfulfilled. It was like that let down on Christmas morning – after staring at that golden glittery present under the tree all week only to find out, as you peer inside the sparkly box – there was nothing inside but tissue paper and a gift card to Subway. What the fuck?? Really?? Mind twisting tease and waste of my time. My imagination is always so much better than the reality that finds itself landing on my front porch….what up wit dat??
I refuse to believe it has anything to do with getting older. It really doesn’t. I can have a good time anywhere. After all – if you are not having fun – you have no one to blame but yourself. I can bust a move on that dance floor with the best of them and ride my Harley farther and faster than most. I can hang with and converse with an unending array of people in all sorts of social situations. It’s not about age – I am 27 on the inside man….. It has to do with my expectations, hopes and dreams. It has to do with me always wanting things to be so much more than they somehow always seem to be. It has to do with me simply believing that there has to be more to this life.
So now then – here comes the age twist. How much time has to go by before it all gets better? When does the reality meet the expectation? When does the rainbow sparkle and shine and land in the fucking pot of gold that leads to the happily ever after we have all been led to believe might actually be attainable? How long does this girl have to wait before reality hooks up with the simple expectations??
A friend once told me that she has no expectations and therefore she is never disappointed. What does that really say?? Guzman without expectations is like Tinker Bell without wings. It is like my Harley without wheels, Pride without gays, and sun without shine….know what I mean? Being a hopelessly hopeful person is just who I am – it cannot change – it comes from the core of everything God intended me to be – it is just the way I am built.
So in this irrepressible cyclone that is my mind – I think I may have found some shelter by finally really understanding. Maybe time won’t change me – won’t help me be less hopeful – won’t allow me to accept less than what I know this life must contain for me. Maybe in this lifetime I am the girl who wants more and maybe never gets it. Maybe my visions and expectations are just too much for this place and time. And maybe – as I grow older and wiser – maybe that really has to be OK.
Let the years roll on – let the channels change and the landscape evolve. If I know anything at all I do know that acceptance is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves – and it is also the greatest freedom we can ever know.
You May Also Like:
About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.