Roll your eyes; call me a fool, a sucker, a hopeless romantic or even a bit weird. But I’m gonna admit something few people know. I have saved voice messages on my cell phone from a number of women who I was involved with over the past 5 years. The time I spent with them ranged from a few weeks to a few years, on and off. Nonetheless, they are women that, at the time, had my heart and my undivided attention. The messages themselves express love in some form or another; romantic, funny, sexy, the kind that still makes me teary and giddy even though those relationships are long over. They make me remember joyful times when my heart was full and I couldn’t wait to lavish my attention and affection on the one that had me where I love to be: Lala Land.
I didn’t do it intentionally. It started with a message I got from someone that was so hilariously funny and cute that I saved it. Every time I replayed it, I laughed. Then she left me another one and I saved that one too. The next woman I dated was just as funny and so the custom began. Whenever I received a message that was funny or utterly romantic I saved it.
And I’m glad I did. Even tho I’m more of a visual person the voice messages are so much better to me than the pics I have of them…uh yeah, I still have them up. The beauty in them is that they recorded the tone in the voices, the inflection and the insinuated messages. They’re multidimensional. You can hear the love and passion and almost see the smiles or naughty smirks as they openly said what was on their mind. That’s why I feel so good when I listen to them. It’s like watching a romantic movie with a happy ending that leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy only it really happened and, well, there was no happy ending.
I know what you’re thinking…whoa…this gurl is living in the past. Get her cab fare to a therapist more like. But, um, no I’m not. I appreciate my past but I love my present. I’m still single AND content. I’ve gotta tell you, I really dislike it when people say “I’m single BUT I’m happy” as if being single is a bad thing. For some people I’m sure it is. I know some that feel lost without a partner. I’m not one of those people. I revel in my independence. Still, the memories serve a purpose. They rekindle a part of me that has been dormant for a while. They let loose those butterflies I haven’t felt flutter in my stomach. I remember what it’s like to be a partner, to open the door when she comes home from work and jump on her to show her how much I missed her all day.
They also serve another purpose. They remind me of how precious time is, how quickly things can change, how important it is to cherish the here and now, how the heart perseveres despite failed relationships and unimaginable pain caused by loss of love. Most importantly, it keeps me aware of the part of each of those women with which I connected despite how long I was with them. For the most part, I have a friendship with these women and I see them now in a totally different way. Funny how that works, huh? When I see them I don’t think about our past at all because, well, we’re friends.
Bottom line is that I’m a woman that loves to be in love. I love to be in Lala Land which, for me, means in a constant euphoric state, silly, energized, in a daze, subject to sudden bursts of dancing. My mom, who can find out anything about me just by looking in my eyes, has this thing she does when she sees me like that. She starts singing an old Spanish song that translated says: “Love, Love, Love, born out of you, born out of me, born out of hope”. Hope! It’s what keeps me going. It’s what keeps my love and my heart alive. It’s what’ll get me that ticket to Lala Land. BTW… I’m all packed and ready to go!
Meantime, let me tell you about the boxes I have in my closet filled with movie stubs, dried flowers, playbills, cards, love notes……
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A Chicago original of Mexican decent, Alma has been part of the Chicago’s LGBTQ community longer than she’d like to admit. She’s been maneuvering through its diverse social circles, networking relentlessly in an attempt to satisfy her need to understand and get to know the people that make up our amazing and unique community. Her path began as a social butterfly whose interests were solely to meet and entertain friends. Now her desire is to channel her strengths, talents and passion into ways she can be of service for the Chicago LGBTQ community that she so loves and respects.