The sun is hotter than I remember. The birds are louder and the air is thicker. There are more ants and spiders and bees crisscrossing all over in front of my face. The seasons are not turning as the seasons were meant to turn and my biological clock feels more fucked up than ever. What the hell is going on?
There are snow storms raging across portions of the country that have never seen snow before. There are tornadoes ripping through neighborhoods and tossing up homes and families that have been settled and rooted for decades upon decades. Earthquakes are rocking and rolling through quiet villages all around the world. The flowers are blooming and birds are singing at a time of year when hibernation is supposed to be in full uninterrupted force. Biker girls are hitting the roads with their engines roaring in all their glory down streets that are supposed to be too snowy and too salty to cruise. The outside seating at inside cafes overflow with tank topped beauties taking in the sun and sipping Chardonnay on Tuesday afternoons – wait a minute – aren’t they supposed to be flannelling down with a hot baileys and coffee by the roaring fire. What the hell is happening here?
Isn’t March supposed to be harsh and unforgiving with periodic peaks of possible spring like weather? What happened to the slushy mess of snowy rain and grey days holding us captive in our homes? I don’t know about you – but I am freaking out a little bit. It is not just the weather – it is what the weather begins to represent to my over thinking little mind. The weather is reminding me of just how unmanageable and out of our hands this life of ours really truly is. It is reminding me that indeed we are never prepared for what tomorrow holds – because no matter what we think we know – no matter what we have always been so certain of and have experienced – it is never promised.
I hate the unpredictable part of life. I hate not knowing. I hate thinking that I know what to expect and realizing I have no idea what is coming next.
Don’t get me wrong – I love spontaneity and unfathomed interludes and making eye contact with that unexpected pleasure across the room. I love waking up to unsolicited touches and sweet morning kisses. There is nothing wrong with folding the boring ass laundry and having the unplanned tackle of love take me away from a predictable chore. The unanticipated is not the problem for me – it is the sudden change in expectations, the swing from what has always been to what has never been before. The not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring despite long held traditions, promises and intentions. Being thrown off the familiar highway rather than gently merging onto the unknown road is what I am talking about here.
Oh well – I guess I have to just make some adjustments for myself this time around. Open the windows and pack away the parka – turn off the oven and crank up the grill. Take this life as it comes – season by season – moment by moment – breath by breath and embrace even the things I cannot control. I need to take a lesson from the flowers man – because those golden daffodils are blooming right now – no matter what that calendar might have to say about it – and that may be all I need to know.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.