I talk to myself – all the time. I sing to myself, with myself and for myself. Yeah I am that chick in the car next to you just wailing on that song like I am live in concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Jamming like there is no tomorrow and fame and fortune are only an encore away.
Not a day has gone by in this life of mine that I am not holding a full fledged conversation with my self trying to get to the other side of something. I am used to myself – I understand myself – I respect what I have to tell myself – why bring someone else into the conversation?? Really? I am just talking to myself and reasoning with the oompa loompas inside of my little brain again – yeah – that is me….
When life swings and you find yourself out of a relationship that lasted half your life, or a friendship is lost and your sole confidant is no longer at your beck (or is it text) and call – you find ways to survive. You work out more, you eat more, you sleep more, you stay awake more, you go out more, you write more, you watch TV more and you talk to yourself a hell of a lot more.
I am that person who is not going to just talk to anybody and everybody about the little things in my heart – the hurtful things in my world or the fears that cloud my mind. Friends and acquaintances are good for that A to J conversation – all good for that stuff. But for me it is a rare and special person that can be there for those A to Z conversations that take us to the core of who we are as a person in this world. That person who you can truly trust to know you through and through inside and out and back again and that person you can trust to always, always be there for you – and understand you – better yet – want to understand you – want to be there for you.
When we are in a great relationship – we have that person – that sounding board – that catch all – who gets us – even in our quiet moments, even in our darkest times. When you are fortunate to have a partner who knows you better than you probably know yourself and fights you for every inch of good that they know you possess how lucky are you? When you have that person that somehow someway every single time just makes you a little bit better – that person that challenges you and loves you through the thick and thin of it all – the person who answers your questions before you even figure out how to ask them – how full and wonderful is life really? My God – how simple – someone to talk to that wants to hear you – someone that listens and understands – raises your spirit to another level of happiness and calms your rambling worries.
What happens one day when you wake up and the one who knew you best is gone from your life – for reasons from stories long since forgotten – and you lose that thing – that person who you told everything to – that perfect connection – what then?? It is a crazy ass non conversational void that is deeper than ever imagined. So we write and we talk to ourselves – and we watch too much TV and make solitary sense out of complicated plans. We scramble to understand ourselves without the company of the one who understood us best. We lose a part of ourselves that finds solace in the knowledge that someone hears us – and in turn allows us to hear ourselves.
Life is just better, clearer, when you have that one who knows you best – who forces you to make sense and come to reason and resolution with the things in your head – one way or the other. The one who won’t let you get away with the silent treatment and the “I don’t knows” and the muted shoulder shrugs. The one who will take your trust to the grave and hold your secrets safe and sound. That one person who you know really knows you – from now until forever – no matter what has happened or will happen in between. The one who knows better than anyone that when we are done talking to ourselves – we will find our way home to talk to them.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.