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Why am I single

A very young and very beautiful girl leaned up against the bar next to me and touched her elbow to mine. I smiled – she smiled and we did the small talk thing as the music and the room played all around us. We knew each other – not for a long time – and not very well – but well enough. As I turned to her and grinned at her perfect smile she asked me the question of the night….”Why are you single?”

If questions were a loaded gun and silent awkwardness a bullet proof shield – standing in that moment at that bar would have been a harmless adventure in time. But questions come from different sources and silent awkwardness is a definition of uncertainty and in that moment I had nothing – absolutely nothing that could possibly be construed as an answer to that question that may very well still be hanging in the late night air of that late night bar.

Why am I single? Why…am….I….single? I never really thought about it. She didn’t ask in a way that made me feel defensive. She didn’t ask in a way that hurt my feelings. She asked after time spent with me talking and laughing and debating and being comfortable in each other’s company. She asked me after eye contact and the ease of sharing moments in a crowded room. She asked in a manner of disbelief – that it was somehow unfathomable that I was not captured and kept by some dynamic and irresistible love of a life time. She asked because of how easy I was to talk to – how generous of time and spirit I seemed to be – how much fun I was to be around – and – of course the gift of dance that God bestowed upon me – duh….

I was at a party once upon a time – running the kitchen and pouring drinks and telling stories and making friends and laughing out loud and someone said that I was every lesbian’s dream. I laughed and shook it off as a back handed compliment that was coming from the right place. I remember arriving at a friend’s house and dismounting my Harley – walking towards her door in my camouflage capris, biker boots, leather vest and tank top and she simply shook her head and called me every lesbian’s fantasy. I walk straight through those types of scenes and commentaries just grinning and coming to the realization that I am not as easy as all of that….other wise – why would this crazy ass lesbian dream come true be single??

There have been faces and opportunities – moments and madness that may have thrown me into the arms and the life of another. There have been people interested in knowing me and being a part of my life on a more permanent and intimate level. There have been infatuations and revelations and contemplations of all this life might have in store for me – and yet I stand here, sit here, and lay here alone. Single. Independent of another’s life intertwined in mine. Why weren’t all those chance meetings and opportunities and solicitations the right ones? What takes the single and turns it into mingle – mingle into that happily ever after sort of place?

People tell me I am not alone. I have my parents, my family, my kids and my amazing friends. I have a dog that makes me crazy and two psycho cats who need to find someone else to bother for a while. I have work and coworkers, events and blogs – I have a busy little life for myself. People tell me I am not alone – but I am certain I am alone – in that “I am so single” kind of way. I am by myself in the beginning and the end of each and every day that I live through. I am alone in my decisions and my plans, my dreams and my ideas. Alone in my head and in my breath and in every waking hour – as single as single can be.

Why am I single? Damn questions that I cannot answer – hang in the air and twist inside of my over thinking brain. This is not a choice by any means – it is just life taking it’s time with me – to bring me to the one worth falling for – worth dreaming aloud with – worth telling my secrets to – worth trusting the intricacies of my ever changing heart and undisciplined mind to. The one who is worth having me have them come in and change my world. The answer is as simple as that – I am single because she has not found me yet – and single for all the right reasons is just better for a girl like me.

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About K. Guzman

Kathy grew up all over the US – lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.

Discussion

16 Responses to “Why am I single”

  1. I loved this….there are people in relationships who
    Feel lonely only because they don’t have the power to admit that they are just settling to trick themselves into thinking…they are not alone….

    This is awesome…<3

    Posted by Nina | January 27, 2012, 10:40 am
  2. Single for all the right reasons…hoping that fate will step in at some point and deliver the goods. Ah, you’re not alone on your quest, that’s for sure. I will say, it might be a little tougher for us women of a certain age who have children. Not everyone can handle that sort of thing. But then, they wouldn’t be the “right” gal anyway. Keep the faith!

    Posted by Val | January 27, 2012, 10:41 am
  3. oh Nina — how did you get so wise??? 🙂

    Posted by K Guzman | January 27, 2012, 11:12 am
  4. Val – single for all the right reasons – as simple as that….thanks for the comment!

    Posted by K Guzman | January 27, 2012, 11:13 am
  5. You’re perfect, perfect people intimidate others, maybe that’s why she hasn’t found you 🙂

    Sounds like you have a great grasp behind the point of finding someone else though, there is no point in finding them or letting them find you if they’re not perfect.

    Posted by Happy Duck | January 27, 2012, 12:45 pm
  6. Perfect for you that is…

    Posted by Happy Duck | January 27, 2012, 12:45 pm
  7. This is so wonderful, it made me tear up. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Posted by Dee | January 27, 2012, 1:02 pm
  8. Not to mention all that you have said about yourself, but damn, your writing is superb…. most eloquent! Thank you!

    I love it!!

    Posted by Jano | January 27, 2012, 2:57 pm
  9. Happy Duck – so far from perfect really – just doing the best I can…thanks for reading and sharing…

    Posted by K Guzman | January 28, 2012, 11:22 am
  10. Dee and Jano – appreciate that you appreciate the words — thanks.

    Posted by K Guzman | January 28, 2012, 11:23 am
  11. Love this post…I am told the same things and always wonder the same thing…here’s keeping hope alive! 😉

    Posted by Kim Majdanowski | January 30, 2012, 4:47 pm
  12. Thanks Kim!!!!

    Posted by Kathy | January 30, 2012, 6:19 pm
  13. Since coming out I’ve been told several times that I’m too pretty to be a lesbian. That I’m every lesbian’s femme fantasy with my girlish style, my fitness, and my super long hair. That it’s crazy to think that I’ve never had a serious relationship.

    It’s not by choice. I have no idea where I go wrong. I meet other lesbians and they’re initially interested in me because of the way I look, but nothing serious ever comes of it.

    I figure I have some sort of personality dysfunction. I’m awkward and clumsy…a little goofy and geeky. I’m not the typical girly femme they want me to be.

    I want to thank you for sharing this. I thought I was alone in my loneliness, but maybe I’m just a drop in the ocean.

    Maybe one day?

    Posted by walkingbread | February 2, 2012, 2:23 am
  14. Hey WB – no maybe’s about it — one day for certain….. 🙂

    Posted by K Guzman | February 2, 2012, 9:04 am
  15. I have been very single for such a longe time (4 or 5 years). I miss being close to someone but I usually fall for the wrong people. What is it with the whole “I don’t want to ruin or friendship…” thing? I don’t know. But I do know that something great awaits me. I’d rather wait in singlehood than waste mine and someone else’s time.

    Posted by Manchez | February 21, 2012, 12:31 pm
  16. K. Guzman,

    Single for all the right reasons? You’re doing something wrong if you’re single and don’t want to be. If you’re looking for the answer to that question the next time you get it, you may want to inspect yourself for red flags here: http://100redflags.com/

    Posted by brendon | May 25, 2012, 8:22 am

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