A very young and very beautiful girl leaned up against the bar next to me and touched her elbow to mine. I smiled – she smiled and we did the small talk thing as the music and the room played all around us. We knew each other – not for a long time – and not very well – but well enough. As I turned to her and grinned at her perfect smile she asked me the question of the night….”Why are you single?”
If questions were a loaded gun and silent awkwardness a bullet proof shield – standing in that moment at that bar would have been a harmless adventure in time. But questions come from different sources and silent awkwardness is a definition of uncertainty and in that moment I had nothing – absolutely nothing that could possibly be construed as an answer to that question that may very well still be hanging in the late night air of that late night bar.
Why am I single? Why…am….I….single? I never really thought about it. She didn’t ask in a way that made me feel defensive. She didn’t ask in a way that hurt my feelings. She asked after time spent with me talking and laughing and debating and being comfortable in each other’s company. She asked me after eye contact and the ease of sharing moments in a crowded room. She asked in a manner of disbelief – that it was somehow unfathomable that I was not captured and kept by some dynamic and irresistible love of a life time. She asked because of how easy I was to talk to – how generous of time and spirit I seemed to be – how much fun I was to be around – and – of course the gift of dance that God bestowed upon me – duh….
I was at a party once upon a time – running the kitchen and pouring drinks and telling stories and making friends and laughing out loud and someone said that I was every lesbian’s dream. I laughed and shook it off as a back handed compliment that was coming from the right place. I remember arriving at a friend’s house and dismounting my Harley – walking towards her door in my camouflage capris, biker boots, leather vest and tank top and she simply shook her head and called me every lesbian’s fantasy. I walk straight through those types of scenes and commentaries just grinning and coming to the realization that I am not as easy as all of that….other wise – why would this crazy ass lesbian dream come true be single??
There have been faces and opportunities – moments and madness that may have thrown me into the arms and the life of another. There have been people interested in knowing me and being a part of my life on a more permanent and intimate level. There have been infatuations and revelations and contemplations of all this life might have in store for me – and yet I stand here, sit here, and lay here alone. Single. Independent of another’s life intertwined in mine. Why weren’t all those chance meetings and opportunities and solicitations the right ones? What takes the single and turns it into mingle – mingle into that happily ever after sort of place?
People tell me I am not alone. I have my parents, my family, my kids and my amazing friends. I have a dog that makes me crazy and two psycho cats who need to find someone else to bother for a while. I have work and coworkers, events and blogs – I have a busy little life for myself. People tell me I am not alone – but I am certain I am alone – in that “I am so single” kind of way. I am by myself in the beginning and the end of each and every day that I live through. I am alone in my decisions and my plans, my dreams and my ideas. Alone in my head and in my breath and in every waking hour – as single as single can be.
Why am I single? Damn questions that I cannot answer – hang in the air and twist inside of my over thinking brain. This is not a choice by any means – it is just life taking it’s time with me – to bring me to the one worth falling for – worth dreaming aloud with – worth telling my secrets to – worth trusting the intricacies of my ever changing heart and undisciplined mind to. The one who is worth having me have them come in and change my world. The answer is as simple as that – I am single because she has not found me yet – and single for all the right reasons is just better for a girl like me.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.