I am at that place again. I am in that in between place that comes and gets me every so often in this life of mine. The “should I stay or should I go” place – the “yesterday is gone tomorrow is not certain” place – the place that just feels like I am “treading water in a churning sea” kind of place. I hate this place – but I have been here before and I know it so well.
“I’m standing in the middle of life with my pains behind me” – so said Chrissie Hynde not so long ago in that voice of hers that made so many women love woman rockers. There comes a time when I get restless and unsure. Life twists and turns all around me and I stand upright in a great uncertain void that I cannot really describe. I have these moments when I feel like changing my path for good and for real and heading out into the vast unknown just to get a clear perspective on where I really am standing and where the hell I actually would rather be standing. The middle of life comes to all of us who are blessed and lucky – I never thought I would live past 30 – and look at me now – living past 30!! I am into the second half of this adventure called life and although my heart feels 25 – my body cannot fool itself and tells the truth of all the years that I have lived. It hits us all at different times in different ways – that foggy realization that even though the spirit of our youth lives strong and proud inside of us – aging of the body and mind cannot be deterred. Such a fucking drag….
People want to call this period of reflection and contemplation a mid life crisis. But I just have to disagree – it’s not a crisis at all. When I drove my Harley home a few summers ago – my beautiful daughter looked at me in all her cleverness and asked, “What is this?? Your mid life crisis?” And as quickly as those words slapped my ears I shot back in all my grooviness,” No baby – this is a mid life awakening.” And it is an awakening. A rebirth of spirit and certainty – reclaiming the cockiness of youth with the life experience to back it up. The recognition of who we are sexually and spiritually comes pounding at the door and we have no choice but to let it all in and make it feel at home. At this point in my life I have the certainty of what is not good enough, true enough or kind enough for me and I am moving past it all without the need to have something in my world that is disguised as something else – something that is not at all what I might actually deserve. Time teaches me not to settle, not to embellish and not to wait for what may never come.
My moments of where the hell am I and where the hell am I going do eventually pass. Life doesn’t exactly get easier – but it does make more sense – and the answers do seem to be less kaleidoscopic – and we become surer of ourselves. We do not have to always fit in or be a part of some parade that would define us in more narrow terms, hold us in line and take us to one end point. We are freer perhaps and open to those possibilities that just might remind us that is may be worth treading the water just a little longer.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.