I am not really sure how people do it. How they talk around a subject and insinuate the ridiculous and avoid the truth as it stares them in the face. I am not really sure how so much gets said when words are never spoken. Communication is the root of every problem, every failed plan, every happiness, frustration, and every dream come true – so why are we so bad at it?
I sit around the table with people who have known me since the day I was born or since the day they were born – since it is my immediate family I am referring to here. Hell – why hold back now?? Every single person in the room knows damn well – through the reality of my divorce and the life choices that I make that I am not the person that walked down the aisle and promised to death do us part with a man all those years ago. They see my lifestyle – they read my blogs and they know that I give my time to very specific organizations that target the LGBT community and the future we all hope for. I wear shirts with slogans like “closets are for clothes” “I support same sex marriage” and “queer as f*ck”. Please don’t tell me that I need to have a sit down with every single person in my family and in my life and proclaim to the universe that I am not a straight woman. I hide nothing – but I feel no need or desire to have “that talk” with my parents or my siblings – and no one asks a damn question or raises a thought or wonders what the hell is going on in my life these days. Yes my dear – there is an elephant in the room – and it is definitely me.
The conversations that turn in circles through the rare but coveted family time are conversations that I no longer feel a part of. They exclude me without excluding me – they come close to touching a chord of curiosity or concern and then they retreat into some unspoken corner of all our minds. And there really is not much left that I can relate to when their chatter turns inward and all the words all begin to sound the same – all the stories repeat themselves and the meanings all lose total meaning to me. Was my world really ever this small? Since I have returned to the lesbian community after such a long time away – I wonder every single day how I ever lasted that long in a world where there are so many things that are left unspoken. Where there is so much avoidance, fear and uncertainty.
This is the way my family functions. This is the way many of my straight friends function. Is it me? Do I put up a “do not trespass” vibe that won’t allow conversations to take place? Or is this the way it feels to be inside of a world that is not yet perceived as a world I should be a part of by those who have known only all I have let them know about me for so many years? What a complicated mess….
I am the woman with a thousand questions and a million possibilities. I am the girl who was always the independent “unusual” one in my family who built walls to protect all the things I so deeply wanted to share. I am the poet and the dreamer who might have a few communication issues when it comes to proclaiming the obvious to so many who I was so sure – knew me so well.
Communication is only as true and as effective as we intend for it to be. In all my certainty it seems that I may have to learn to say what no one is asking me about or perhaps aren’t ready to hear – and I certainly will – when I figure out what it is they are waiting for me to say.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.