The Aggresbian

Any time I am at a lesbian bar, I feel that British voice from the Animal Kingdom documentaries should be narrating the evening. It’s because there is species of lesbian – Homo non-erectus persistantus, I think it’s called, or the Aggresbian – that is hyper territorial of certain targets, regardless of their relation to one another, or lack thereof.

A few months ago, on a regular Tuesday night at T’s Bar Restaurant, I met a cougar name Tara (pseudonym be damned). She claimed she was thirty-six years old, but maybe that’s mid forties in Aggresbian years. There wasn’t anything remarkably unique about her – a graying faux hawk, a black v-neck shirt, long cargo shorts and an over worn wireless bra.

This soft butch ensemble, that says “ I spend three hours trying to look low maintenance,” is one of the many traits of the Aggresbian. Others include the following:

The Self-Praise Impulse
I understand that subtle self-promotion can be affective when socializing and flirting. But the Aggresbian tendency is counter productive. Generally, it is non organic in its delivery, having little to no relevance to a conversation.

On this Particular Evening: “My friends say I’m awkward around women. It’s probably because I’m a professional corporate sponsored marathon runner.” (Did you squint with confusion after reading this? Good.)

This self-promotion is all the more a turn off because it shows more interest in one’s self than in one’s target.

Lazy Flattery/ Pickup Lines
Generally, to the Aggresbian, the pickup is a formality, one that they approach with the same level of elegance and thought as a dog applies to licking itself.

This Particular Evening: “I asked the bartender who the hottest girls at the bar were. He directed me to you.”

Oh, gee, thanks. I’m apparently attractive enough to talk to but apparently not rare enough that you cannot determine my aesthetic worth without the verification of a bartender. That doesn’t make me feel like county fair livestock at all.

Rejection Intolerance
Aggresbians don’t like being told “no.” And, sure, many people use nos, nots, and nevers, but Aggresbians seem mentally unable to digest the concept of the word “no”.

This Particular Evening: After an hour or so of me trying to be polite and hitting it off with her posse of gay men (not necessarily a trait of the species, but rather a symbiotic tendency to join herds), I heard Tara approach a girl, one much drunker than she,
yelling “Should I do it? Do you really think I should?” I saw the drunken girl merely shrug and say, “Whatever, I don’t know.” Seconds later, Tara was shoving her tongue in my mouth. The very moment she felt my head pull away, she locked me in place
with both of her hands. When I eventually broke free, I tried to politely explain that the surprise kiss attack was not my style. She nodded as if she understood (or was even listening), and then she tired to kiss me again the moment I stopped talking. I resisted successfully this time, and kept her off by telling her I was twenty-one. This probably wouldn’t have repelled her if her friends weren’t around to judge. Thanks gay dudes!

Recently, I ran into Tara again. Stupidly thinking there weren’t any hard feelings, I said hello, and she immaturely pretended not to remember me. Then, eventually, she said “Oh yeah, the passive aggressive girl with glasses.” This is when I realized she was with a friend, and she was of course not about to recount what actually happened. She introduced me to her friend as “That passive aggressive girl who kissed me and then told me I was too old.”

Yes, she managed to completely rewrite the encounter in her memory. I tried to dispute her recount of that night, but I realized it was fruitless. Trying to be the adult, I apologized for coming off as passive aggressive or a tease. She scoffed and told me not to flatter myself. “I’m one of the most sought after lesbians in this city,” she said. (By the way, how drunk does one have to be to say that sincerely?) “So if you want to be with me, just show some balls.” This monologue was mind-boggling, and not just because of the fact that a lesbian asked me to show her my non-existent balls. It appears that from the Aggresbian there has evolved an arguably more obnoxious creature: The Delusbian.

The Aggresbian has multiple varieties: the ones who try too hard to get a girl drunk, the hoverer, the handsy predator, the sore loser, etcetera. Some day I hope to receive a grant so that I may live among them and study them closely…but obviously not as close as they hope.

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About Casey

Casey is a creative writing student at DePaul university. She enjoys reading, writing, and taking long walks around the city of Chicago.


4 Responses to “The Aggresbian”

  1. Lol lol lol thanx for the laugh, I needed it:) btw you are living in those creatures world and studying them very well I might add…. Thanx again love it!

    Posted by Jeanine | November 30, 2011, 11:36 am
  2. This part made me go WTF: “Trying to be the adult, I apologized for coming off as passive aggressive or a tease.”

    How is apologizing for basically getting harassed an adult thing? Why buy into the older woman’s emotional manipulation? Stand up for yourself! (And I don’t really see why you kept saying you were 21. Next time, just say no or stop or you’re harassing me. That last one works well.)

    Posted by Me | November 30, 2011, 4:49 pm
  3. @Jeanine

    I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    You are very wise. I only realized I should have stood up to her after I walked away. I THOUGHT I was being mature by apologizing. It fed her Delusbianism. I guess I should have just walked away the first (of a billion) time that she called me passive aggressive.

    Posted by Casey | November 30, 2011, 8:04 pm
  4. Lmao! I haven’t come accross any aggrresbians lately but the story did remind me of someone

    Posted by Lucia | December 15, 2011, 12:24 pm

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