Last year at this time I was running half marathons and spending 3 mornings a week practicing yoga. I was in the best condition of my life and looked the part. One surgery and one very long recovery later I find myself 30 pounds heavier and right back to square fucking one. God how I hate having to go back to the start when I was so close to the finish…….
Finding the motivation to start from scratch when you have worked so hard to be at a certain place in your life is never easy – hell – it feels damn near impossible sometimes. It has always been important to me to be healthy and to stay fit and remain physically strong. Never want to act my age – let alone look my age!! I always said I want to be that rocking 75 year old Chiquita hiking those Tucson canyons and never once pausing to consider whether or not I was too old to be doing the things I want to be doing. I have to say that I better be dropping it like it’s hot till I go out in a blaze of glory at the end of my crazy life. I want to ride that Harley with or without my orthopedic motorcycle boots and I want to be able to take that flight of stairs without a huff and a puff and I want to cross those finish lines for years and years to come. So regardless of the pounds that have been gained and the time that has been lost – starting again is the only choice I can consider.
It is the same in relationships. When we have something good and something solid and something so real – something familiar and knowing – whether in a friend or undercover lover – it is such a comfortable place to be. All those memories and all those moments shared become who we are – who we really are. When we have something that is an integral piece to our personal puzzle – and it is taken from us – whether by time or stupidity or change or diversions or even death – we are left suddenly standing at that old and not so familiar starting line – again. In our minds we ask ourselves how we will ever have that kind of friendship or that sort of relationship with anyone else – again – ever. God – it is so stupid that we have to start over when we were doing so damn well – it’s simply not fair. It is our character and our will to live the very best life possible that pushes us forward and guides us into those very first steps in the starting over game. It is hard to lose what took so long to build – but I am just figuring out – it is just the way life is sometimes – for everyone.
Set backs in life are inevitable – this I know for sure. It is how we handle those setbacks that will define who we truly are in this world. Do we wallow in the negative and look in the mirror and glare at the unsatisfying reflection long enough to lose all hope of getting back on track and running the good race? Do we wait around and around and around until the waiting becomes a way of life and all the living is getting lived without us? I think not – I hope not – we dig deep – we search for the motivation – again and again and again – and we roll the damn dice and make our next move. I know it is so much easier said than done – isn’t it always??
See you at the finish line….
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.