Hey there, magic fingerers!
What were you for Halloween?
I hope it was something awesome.
I hope you got compliments all night.
I hope it was so spectacular that it could have competed with this little gem:
OMG TIMOTHY MAXWELL THUMPERTON WENT AS HARRY POTTER!!!
Isn’t he good?
Christ, the little glasses!
The hand-knitted Gyffindor scarf! The tiny Quidditch broom!
Not a lick of photoshopping!
The Red Door Animal Shelter in Chicago had another “Hoppy Hour” to raise money for their programs, and I had another split-second of is-this-crazy-I-think-this-might-be-crazy decision-making to do about whether or not to go.
Guess what won out.
I mean, ’cause – remember when Midgeon P. Bundlesworth wore lederhosen last Halloween?
It was so exciting last year that I was all set to take her again on Saturday.
I got out the bunny carrier.
I filled it with nice fresh hay and went in search of Migeon P.
She was stretched out on the bathroom floor.
I bent down to her, shaking the bunny carrier enticingly.
Me: Midgie! My bun! Halloween time! Ready to get allll dressed up?
Midgeon P. Bundlesworth:
I could not get Midge excited about getting into her carrier.
I actually couldn’t get her into her carrier at all.
That’s why I have two rabbits.
I went over to Timothy Maxwell Thumperton, who is young and stupid and doesn’t know better than to trust me yet.
He hopped into his cage and off we went.
Isn’t he glamorous.
A born model.
I’m sure my phone will be ringing off the hook the instant the agencies in New York catch sight of him.
Faggettes, we haven’t got time for the pages and pages I could fill with bunny pictures.
(There is a CD with 33 images on it of Timmy’s day at Hogwarts. I’m just sayin’.)
Today we have work to do.
Now, I know your guard is down.
I know you’re hungover and exhausted from Halloween festivities.
But that’s just where I want you.
Wincing at the florescent lights at work. A little bit tender.
Because today we have a….
Alright, put your books under your desk and take out a sheet of paper.
No candy on your desk.
Or in your mouth, young lady, don’t make me write you up.
This quiz counts as 85% of your Homosexuelle Behaviors 1003 essay grade for this quarter.
You have five minutes.
QUESTION #1: Anna and Lauren.
Anna, aged 21, and Lauren, aged 19, met at a their queer student union cosmic bowling night a couple of weeks ago. Each of them came with other friends, but they quickly discovered they both had the same snarky, sarcastic sense of humor and shared a fondness for elaborate dances when they bowled a strike. They exchanged looks, then trash-talk, and, by the end of the night, numbers. Anna and Lauren both admitted they thought the other “was cool” and that “they should hang out sometime.”
Anna texted Lauren the next day. They agreed to meet for coffee.
They are sitting inside a coffeeshop together as we speak, and neither one knows what’s up.
Is this a date-date or is this a friend-date?
Why or why not?
QUESTION #2: T.K. and Sonja.
T.K., aged 26, and Sonja, aged 28, met each other at the trendy restaurant where they work. Sonja had her eye on T.K. loooooong before she ever talked to hym, but T.K. always seemed too cool for school and was really quiet. Turned out, hy was just shy as hell.
T.K. thinks Sonja’s fucking gorgeous, and they are just starting to joke around with each other on the job, swatting each other with towels and bitching about their shitty tables. Sonja suspects T.K.’s into her, but she can’t be sure. She friends T.K. on Facebook and discovers something – T.K. has a partner.
Two weeks later, T.K. asks Sonja if she wants to get drinks on their day off.
Sonja’s standing in front of her closet, trying to decide what to wear, ‘cause…
Is this a date-date or is this a friend-date?
Why or why not?
QUESTION #3: Jess and Meghan.
Jess, aged 32, and Meghan, aged 40, met each other at their lesbian book club, where they’re re-reading lesbian classics, such as The Well of Loneliness and Stone Butch Blues. Meghan is a lawyer, a prominent LGBTQ organizer in town, and she has trouble finishing the books before the club meets each month. Jess is a vet tech, very laid-back, and she has a huge crush on Meghan (and the way Meghan comes to book club directly from work in her power suits.) Meghan thinks Jess makes fantastically witty comments during the meetings, and wishes she could read more into each book the way Jess does.
She invites Jess to a reading by a local dyke poet.
It’s at 8 p.m. on a Friday.
Jess is excited and takes a shower before the reading.
She shaves her legs, but…should she neaten up everything down there?
Is this a date-date or is this a friend date?
Why or why not?
Pencils down, homos!
Pass your papers forward.
Wasn’t this dreadful?
Wasn’t this hard?
Well, this shit is hard.
It’s almost impossible.
And it’s our topic for today.
How Do You Know When You’re on a Date?
It’s a problem fairly unique to queers, and especially queers who date women.
‘Cause women are so gosh-dang friendly!
It’s problem so all-encompassing that entire books have been written about the subject.
Is it a date, or is it just coffee?
Is it a date, or is it getting-to-know-you drinks?
Or: Is this how you meet all your new friends, or do you want to sleep with me?
Ready for answers to the quiz?
Let’s wade through this manky, fetid puddle of confusion.
Question #1: Anna and Lauren.
Anna and Lauren are on a date.
They’re on a date because…
a) they met at a queer social activity and hit it off.
b) they were exchanging looks and flirting.
c) after the phone number exchange, Anna texted Lauren right away and asked her to go out.
d) both of them are hoping it’s a date.
Letter ‘d‘ is crucial.
Both parties hoping it’s a date can only mean one thing – they’re on an effing date.
Eventually, Anna and Lauren will figure it out.
*Dyke Folklore Time!*
Lesbians are famous for asking one another out for coffee.
It’s incredibly confusing, as said coffee often happens at night or after sustained, heavy flirting for weeks on end.
No one knows why this is.
The only reasons for this coffee business that I can think of are:
1. No one likes rejection and coffee sounds casual.
2. Homos are treating ‘coffee‘ like a no-strings-attached pre-screen for all potential dates, thus allowing them to assure themselves that the potential date actually is likable, cute, and able to hold a conversation before they move into truly committed territory, i.e. a real date.
It’s a helluva lot easier to blow someone off later if you “just went for coffee.”
Question #2: T.K and Sonja.
The answer to this is: FuckifIknow.
T.K. and Sonja both like each other, or at least find each other attractive.
They’ve been flirting. They’re friends on Facebook.
T.K. knows hys status says “In a relationship,” and Sonja now knows T.K. is in a relationship.
And yet…T.K. wants to get drinks. At night.
Alone with Sonja.
MY GOD WHAT COULD IT ALL MEAN??!!??
-It’s entirely possible that T.K. is in an open relationship.
-It’s entirely possible that T.K.’s lover is in grad school in Argentina for the next two years and T.K. is single ’till she comes back.
-It’s entirely possible that T.K. thinks Sonja is attractive, but is only really looking to further their friendship.
Sonja will have to go out with T.K. and ask hym to find out.
But I would dress like it’s a date, if I were her.
Just in case.
Boobs are appropriate for all occasions.
Question #3: Jess and Meghan.
Jess and Meghan are (probably) not going on a date.
I don’t think.
Jess and Meghan are probably not going on a date because:
a) they only vaguely know each other and haven’t spent any one-on-one time away from their book club.
b) Meghan is an LGBTQ leader in the community, and, like many good leaders, may invite folks to do things at a drop of a hat.
She’s a people organizer. People organizers are awesome.
But you know what people organizers do?
They organize groups of people.
It’s entirely likely that Jess will get to the reading to discover not just Meghan, but the nine other queers Meghan has also invited.
I’m leaning towards “this isn’t a date”, but y’know, dykes are tricky.
It’s possible that Meghan really did ask Jess out on a date-date. Jess really won’t know till she gets there.
I wouldn’t shave my chocha for it, but that’s just because I am an elegant and sophisticated lady.
It. is. hard. to. tell.
When a straight man asks a straight woman to do almost any activity alone together, unless it’s work-related, it’s usually a fair assumption that it’s a date.
Same thing if the woman asks the man.
They’re going to be alone together.
Society calls that a date.
But what if you’re a queer?
And what if most of your friends are the same gender as you, as well?
It’s hard to make friends when you’re finished with school!
We have to reach out to one another to get anywhere!
Telling a date-date from a friend date, while a highly entertaining, scientific art, is sometimes just a matter of asking the other person what they have in mind, no matter how excruciating that may be.
Or you could try leaning over to kiss them and losing your balance and falling off your bar stool because they’re pulling back and staring at you.
So how did you do on the quiz?
The answers are obvs a lil’ hazy, I’m by no means an expert on this one.
Anybody else had problems distinguishing between romantic dates and friend dates?
You May Also Like:
Krista Burton is brand-new to Chicago. An ex-Mormon from Minneapolis, she writes a blog called Effing Dykes (www.effingdykes.blogspot.com), which is about activating your lesbian gaydar. She spends most of her time staring longingly at enormous dogs, riding her shiny orange scooter around town, and trying to bake gluten-free cake that doesn’t taste like gluten-free cake. She’s a staff writer at Groupon, and loves girls, inappropriate footwear, and hip-hop songs with filthy lyrics.