It’s been over a year and a half since she walked (or was it ran) out of my life. A couple of summers gone by and another New Year on the way. There is no more pain or regret, no worries or desperate texts or aimless days spent wondering what went wrong. There are just fading memories that no longer occupy my ever changing heart. Sometimes looking back is a killer ladies – and sometimes it makes looking forward seem like the only truth.
When you are in it – you are really in it. Even when friends around you wonder why the hell you are in it – you can’t help but want to be in it – so – in it you are. That blind kind of new love that grabs you and reigns you into a place you never thought you would be. The crazy nights and fun filled days – the adventure and excitement of wanting to get to know someone with every single inch of whom you are. The losing yourself so deep inside of each other that two lives become one messed up dysfunctional functioning amazing adventure. Everyday turns into the next and your happiness is entangled with her happiness and suddenly you are on a path to what just might be happily ever after – after all.
And then – when fate steps silently and deliberately into your path – and reality comes peaking in at you from around the corner – you may realize the one you are so certain about is not the one you thought she was at all. Little things pop up and changes and decisions are made that go against the plans and dreams you both so clearly planned and dreamed together. There is a stirring in the air and a twisting in your gut that tells you things are not all what they seem. But you fight it and deny it and convince yourself that she will figure it all out and you will be her one and only just as she is yours. You may even compromise yourself because you just can’t believe she does not believe that she is the one for you. You only see the sun even though it has been dark and cloudy for the last 3 months.
She disappears on you, finds reasons to be less than all you know she surly must be, and in the end breaks your life in half without a second thought. In the devastation she leaves behind – you will wonder in every waking hour how you could have accepted so much less than you deserved. And in the changing of the seasons you grow stronger and rebuild your spirit and learn to accept that there is a greater plan – and all our yesterdays bring us to the tomorrows we are supposed to find. We let go of the thing that bound us to what was so wrong for us – it just took letting it go to finally understand.
We have to take a glimpse at our past every now and again if we want or need to fully understand why we are the way we are today. We really shouldn’t be afraid to revisit and learn from all we have lived through. The realizations we may have are often uncomfortable and difficult to accept – but those realizations are necessary to accept if we want to be all we know we are supposed to be in this world. Live and learn I think is what we say….
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.