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Not Sure Why I Lose Myself From Time to Time

A blessing or a curse?…..

Not sure why I am the way I am – it is almost starting to piss me off. Why do I smile as I look across a busy street and only see the flowers in the window sills that line the shaded walk when everyone else is cursing at the bumper to bumper metal to metal traffic jam of frustration going on right in front of me. Not sure why I never see the things that everyone else is always so eager to point out to me. I just consider it my blessing and my curse…..

Is it a problem that every time I see that shiny red mini cooper convertible pass me on the road that my mind immediately turns to that girl I loved and left behind so many years ago? Why can’t I just see the little red car as it passes me by and continue singing that damn Adele song at the top of my lungs as I travel down the road of life and not lose myself in old worn out memories? What does it say about me that I absolutely cannot and will not listen to The Black Eyed Peas sing “Meet Me Halfway” because it takes me to an exact moment in time and all those empty promises that no longer hold any relevance in my life? Why can’t I just change the station and get on with my journey?? No – not me – let me get pissed and freak out on a silly stupid song for reasons and memories that really should not touch me anymore. Let me analyze and flashback and feel emotions that are no longer real to me. My sentimental heart strings never let go of all they should let go of and they hold even the most personally painful memories in the safest of places. I over analyze and romanticize every freaking experience and moment in my life – This is surely my curse….or is it my blessing?

There are those of us who can truly see the whole picture and circumstances of this life as they play out in front of us. There are women who see life and its realities – all the black and white truths that surround us. There are women who do not have selective vision but rather have universal perception about every little detail regarding their surrounding environment. Women who ask the right questions at the right time and have no expectations other than those they can wrap their minds around. Those women out there who rely on facts and experiences and are content in their way of working their way through the day to day living. Then there are people like me who only see what we choose to see and somehow convince ourselves that it is ok to view the world through rose colored glasses. I write poetry and words that fill once empty spaces on a blank page while others write equations and find solutions that leave no room for uncertainties and chance. I dream about happily ever after and doing the right thing no matter what and being at peace in a world that knows no peace. And so I find my blessing – or is it my curse?

I know it takes diversity and emotional tug of wars to balance this crazy thing we call life. I know it takes a silly dreamer like me and a practical thinker like you to keep the conversations stimulating and to challenge ourselves to fight for what is right and good and to hopefully make the world a more tolerant place for all of us. All I know for sure is that if our two hearts collide and I seem wreck less and unprepared you can in all your certainty know that I am blessed to be cursed with the eyes that fit so snuggly behind those rose colored glasses.

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About K. Guzman

Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.

Discussion

3 Responses to “Not Sure Why I Lose Myself From Time to Time”

  1. My favorite line,”I write poetry and words that fill once empty spaces on a blank page while others write equations and find solutions that leave no room for uncertainties and chance.” Definitely going in my quote book.

    Posted by Amy | September 21, 2011, 5:49 pm
  2. I would love to see that quote book!! Thanks Amy…..

    Posted by Kathy | September 22, 2011, 7:13 am
  3. Love and can totally reeeelate!! And ya.. Adele.

    Posted by Trace | September 23, 2011, 10:39 pm

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