Why do we crave what is so obviously wrong for our well being and happiness?? Why can we not see clearly what everyone else and their mothers see– that girl is just not good for you. I think it is important that we question and challenge ourselves in order to evolve and become all we are supposed to be in this world – it is also therapeutic – to write out all the things in a relationship gone wrong that roll around inside of me so they don’t haunt me anymore. And in the sharing – perhaps there is a knowing for someone else – a kinship of sorts in trying to understand the yearning for what is so very wrong for us. It is the dichotomy of wants and regrets that can puzzle and amaze me. Lessons learned are beautiful things – and although sometimes painful – the enlightenment brings us to a better place – a better place on the inside. So here we go again……
I want to glorify her. I want to put her on a pedestal and remind myself of just how perfect she was in my eyes. I want the sun to come in from the east and light her face the way it used to when we walked hand in hand down all those roads all those times before. I want to remember the good and forget the truth – I want my memory to be sweet and easy. I miss the sound of her laughter and the touch of her hand. I miss her eyes smiling into mine. I miss irreverence and chance and the unknowing of all we could do to each other. I miss the chaos and the quiet moments. I miss her view of the world and all the damage it has done to me. I miss her for reasons I cannot even comprehend or define. I miss a person who broke my heart and threw me to the curb like a piece of paper that got stuck to the bottom of her shoe. I miss someone who promised me the world and handed me heartbreak. I miss the girl who kissed me in the elevator and fucked me where ever she could. I miss lettuce wraps and Bud Light, running on the trail and all the secrets that we shared. I miss the one who knew me so well and let me down so hard. I miss walking into a room with her and the way the room would turn to us. I miss the comfort and the challenge of being in her world. I miss rug burns and belly laughs. I miss talking first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I miss the lies and excuses, the missed opportunities and empty words. I miss make believe and why not’s and all the life that happened to us. I miss planning and hoping and wanting. I miss her and how she filled a void I never knew was there.
And yet – in all these things missed – the truth is simple. She is not good for me. She is free and wild and far away. She makes choices and takes actions that make my insides scream. I cannot live outside of her world – and yet, this world without her is one that I do not remember. Something is just not right when we are together and I have to move from her to change my pain into possibilities. This is indeed the bittersweet that poets rant about – the want and the need for something so wrong for me.
I save myself this time. I cannot be in a place beneath all I hope to have. I cannot watch destruction and chaos when all I want is peace and forever. I remind myself that my heart is no longer lost and I no longer miss what was never really mine.
It just feels good to say it out loud.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.