I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be your friend….Why do those words stick in my throat and refuse to come spewing out into the world so that they can become real? What is so hard about just breaking the ties that bind us for good and once and for all? Somebody get me a drink – bring the whole damn bottle – courage and righteousness and what is best for me really should not be this hard. I just don’t think I should be your friend…..repeat after me…..
We started as friends – friends with a twist that is. There was this thing, this vibe, this connection that kept us both coming back for something we had not yet known. The friendship grew and so did our bond and suddenly the innocent hand holding turned into criminal kissing and wildly crazy fun sex. We were friends with a secret – and the secret became a promise and our relationship was born. We were a couple. We were never apart and we were living and laughing and planning to grow old together.
Fast forward through time and space and all the living that goes on in between the beginning and the end of things. The relationship was sick – it was dying – it was over – one broken heart and one lost soul later we were standing on opposite sides of the room. It happens – no rhyme or reason – no place or season – what once was so right simply becomes so wrong. There was no bitterness here – there was no malice – simple sadness and melancholy moments as each of us walked out separate doors back into the world alone.
The end should be the end. I don’t want the Christmas card or the e-vite to your gay friends only backyard pool party so I can watch the two of you bounce around like kids in a candy store. I don’t want to follow you on Facebook and see your new hot friend that is the answer to your new young dreams. I don’t want to meet you at Wrigley and watch you dance with the crazy ass DJ who you just met but also who you just happened to just sleep with. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!! Why is that so hard to understand? Am I missing something here??? Why do lesbians want to be friends with their ex’s??? Everyone stays friends with everyone and before you know it you are standing in a room full of 50 dykes who are all pretending to be friends and have all made out or slept with each other at some point or another – ??? Why??
Perhaps it all depends on how we manage friendships and how we define intimacy – and what those two things really mean to us all the way down to our core. Maybe. I am not saying we throw the invisibility cloak over all of our past relationships. We should of course try to keep our ex in a safe place in our heart’s memory – there is no hate here. We just can’t be afraid to let the past go – to start fresh in a new neighborhood or to really live large and cross the state line to find different faces and possibilities. The world is so big – so full of opportunity and uniquely diverse personalities. I am certain that opening up new avenues rather than loitering on the same old street adds flavor and dimension to our lives.
And with conviction and no hard feelings we should be able to calmly say, “I will always love ya baby – I just don’t want to be your friend”. Now pass me the vodka…..
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.