Toy Story

Heya gaymos!

I come to you as one broken. Today is a day of grief; a day of remembrance. Today I got rid of my beautiful silver glitter dildo.

via concerthall


The one I’ve had for years, the one I always turn to.
My standby, my darling.


Y’allfags, there are obvs other toys in my life.

But this one was my favorite.

As I stood over the trash, bent with grief, the memories came flooding (that was an accident but it stays) back:

I remembered winning GlitterDick.

It was at the now-closed Minneapolis dyke bar, Pi, and it was the last Dildo Bingo night before they shut the doors forever.

Dildo Bingo is just like regular bingo, but you have to scream “DILDO!!!” at the top of your lungs if you win, and they give away sex toys as prizes.

You don’t yell it loud enough, you don’t get your prize.

via indiequeer

The prizes were great, too – vag and queer friendly stuff from Minnapolis’s best sex toy store, Smitten Kitten.

I was trolling near the stage, looking at all the prizes, when it caught my eye:


Glittering silver in the stage lights.

Like a shy but stunning drag queen, making her demure, sequined debut.


Not shaped even remotely like a penis – no ‘realistic’ veining, no freaky ‘natural-looking’ wrinkles.

Not too thick, not too little, juuuust right.

An elegant, sparkling, long drink of water.

The Goldilocks of dildos.

It winked at me.

I winked back, whispering, “You WILL be mine.

via zombiebreath

Then I went back to my table.
Bought three bingo cards.

The numbers were called.

And then…BINGO!

I couldn’t believe it! I never win!

“DILDO!!!!” I screamed.


I bolted to the stage, where they handed me my beautiful shining prize.

Clutching my phallic trophy, I fairly wept with joy.

Sally Fields winning her Oscar.
Miss America.

They know how I felt that day.

That was three years ago.

And ever since then, me and GlitterDick have had times.

I remembered bringing it home and lovingly putting it into its harness.

I remember being grateful I had a harness gorgeous enough to withstand GlitterDick’s sophistication.

I remember using it for the first time.

I remember having it used on me for the first time.

It was love.
It was love.

Magical silver rain.

I remember gently putting GlitterDick to bed with its friends in the no-no trunk.

And getting it out again.

Over and over, on and on.

Three years, we were together.

GlitterDick had seen me through a move to Minneapolis from Taiwan, a move to Seattle, a two-year tour through all 50 states, Canada, Mexico, and a move to Chicago.

It had elicited squeals of delight from all who saw it.
Everyone loved GlitterD.
Why wouldn’t they?

It had no equal.


I had to, homos.
I had no choice.

via girlsiwouldmarry

As if it were a vicious dog, sentenced to destruction by the courts.

I had to get rid of the only silicone friend I’d ever truly loved.

I promised CJ.


I had been using my glorious GlitterDick with CJ since I’d won it.

When I took the job that sent me to a different city every day, I often packed GlitterDick in my bag.

You know.  So I’d have a friend on the road.

via lesbianunicornprincess, thanks E.F.

Well, it turned out I met some new friends on the road, and while that’s relationship-sanctioned by CJ

She did not know I’d shared the glory of GlitterDick with anyone else.

I thought she knew and just didn’t care.

So: After using it together one day, I made a comment about how no one else could wield GlitterDick like CJ could.

She was like the Lord of the One Ring – others could pull sexytime power from GlitterDick, but only she could tap into the full orgasmic stores it offered.

It was a compliment!

CJ instantly pulled away from me.

WHAT. This is our toy,” she said flatly.

“No,” I said. “This is my toy. That we use.”

Holyfuckingshit, apparently not.


Nothing I said made a difference.

“But-but-I boiled it!” I stammered.  “Every time! And used a condom!”

CJ’s jaw was doing that scary twitchy thing it does when she’s pissed.

Thinking, by her silence, that I was making logical headway, I pressed on.

Further into damnation.

“Plus, baby – it’s silicone! And it’s from Smitten Kitten! These things are designed to be non-porous! And I really did boil it and use a condom on it, every time, I swear to God.”

That was not the issue.

thanks Amanda

CJ, once she’d recovered from her fury enough to speak, said that it wasn’t about safety – she fucking assumed I’d be using a toy safely with a strange girl, and did I think I was going to get brownie points for doing what I was supposed to be doing anyway???

No. It was not about safety. Safety was a given.

It was about…juju.

Special lesbian toy juju.

This was a toy we’d used together, and so now it was our toy.
Not to be used with anyone else.

Not to be used with anyone else???

This was the greatest dildo in the world we were talking about!

This wasn’t just a dong, this was GLITTERDICK!!!

CJ didn’t care.

She just really didn’t care.

She didn’t see how I could use GlitterDick with anyone else, and she didn’t care how illogical that might or might not be.

So every time I maybe, possibly even thought about using a toy with someone else…I had to get a new one?


It’s a hard world out there for sluts, faggettes.


Quality toys don’t come cheap, as I’m sure you know.

Sure, you can pick up a pussy-poisoning, environment-killing, female-exploiting porous piece of toxic trash at any local sex store, but the good shit – the comes-from-a-woman-owned-and-woman-and-queer-friendly store, vagina-safe, quality tested, safe-sex-friendly toys cost plenty.

GlitterDick alone retails for around $90.

And it was my toy! Mine!
I won that shit!

I was just sharing with CJ.  Generously!
She was lucky!

CJ did not, um, see things that way.

She was furious I hadn’t told her I’d been using it with anyone else.

I was thunderstruck that she hadn’t known that all along.

Sluts I’m kind of clueless sometimes.

The thing that gets me in the most trouble in all relationships is that I think people can read my mind.

I just assumed she knew I’d been using it.

Now, before you all rip me to shreds:

CJ’s right.

It was my job to make sure she knew exactly what GlitterDick and I had been up to.

I fucked up big time.

CJ has a right to decide what goes near her, especially if she might be at risk.

via geekstyledyke

She’s absolutely in the right.

And now I feel awful.

Really irresponsible.
Making a bad name for sex-positivity everywhere.

So, as token of having learned an important lesson, and in a fit of relief that this fight didn’t get a lot worse, I swore I would get rid of GlitterDick.

via film-grain

But now I have questions.
Lots of questions.

  1. Do y’allfags share toys (SAFELY!!!) with different partners?
  2. What happens when a relationship goes belly-up?
    Do beautiful and beloved toys get thrown away?
    What about the SUPER AWESOME ONES?
  3. What do queers that sleep around a lot do?
  4. Do they have to get a second job to pay for all the toys?


I opened the garbage can.

I dropped GlitterDick in.  A rubbery thud.



I closed the lid.

A single, silver tear glittered from my eye.

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About Krista

Krista Burton is brand-new to Chicago. An ex-Mormon from Minneapolis, she writes a blog called Effing Dykes (, which is about activating your lesbian gaydar. She spends most of her time staring longingly at enormous dogs, riding her shiny orange scooter around town, and trying to bake gluten-free cake that doesn’t taste like gluten-free cake. She’s a staff writer at Groupon, and loves girls, inappropriate footwear, and hip-hop songs with filthy lyrics.


3 Responses to “Toy Story”


    Uhm… I threw away my “Unicorn” from my last relationship..I wasn’t sad to see that one go. My current gf was not gonna let anything go in her that was in my ex.

    Fortunatley, we got “Rodham” during a trip to Protland when we visited a womens sex shop (awesome). So this is very much owned by the two of us.

    Quick question: Do you know of places that recycle sex toys?

    Posted by Jacky Gro | June 23, 2011, 4:14 pm
  2. I’m no expert, but I always thought…
    For queers who sleep around, there should be a designated “slut dildo” that gets shared. They share your fingers, mouth and dildo – it’s a package deal.

    For an actual relationship – someone you see on a frequent basis, puts in enough time/sweat/orgasms to earn the title of a “girlfriend” – there needs to be an “ours only” toy. Toys definitely die with a relationship. In the worst cases, it’s more disappointing to lose the toy than the girl.

    If it’s a random non-relationship but friend-with-benefits who wants their OWN sacred, non-shared toy, they should just provide or learn to SHARE!

    Toys ARE too expensive to be tossing out, especially when they’re so damn glittertastic. For the joy of all Chicago lezzies and our need for glitterD excitement, maybe you just need to start your own D-I-L-D-O night sponsored by Early to Bed or Tulip. 🙂

    Posted by Jenn | June 24, 2011, 12:32 am
  3. Scarlet Girl Recycling:

    Posted by willow naeco | June 26, 2011, 9:34 am

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