You would think that by this stage in my life it would be clear to me. You would think that having lived this long and having wandered this planet and experienced this world I would know what it was when I saw it. You might even think that perhaps I should at the very least know what it is that I am looking for. You just might assume that someone as cool and together as me would have it all wrapped up in absolutes and certainty and would not even need to ask myself the question. How will I know if she is right for me?
On the one hand there is the rush of adrenalin and the pounding of the heart from the initial eye contact across the crowded room. There is the blush of realization and the tremor of interest when she brushes past me and catches my eye, smiles, touches my waist and says, “scuse me”. There are moments of initial contact and impact that tell me straight away – this may be a path I need to travel. She is someone I want to know more about. I have this “she smells so damn good and that smile is so fucking perfect I know for certain she is bound to taste even better sort of have to get to know her” moments in my world. The kissing bandit comes out of hiding and sure enough her lips were made for kissing and they were made for kissing mine. This is immediate and wild and ever spiraling as I become the crazy girl that lives inside of me. The girl inside who drove my destiny in those days of my youth oh not so long ago. The music is loud and the dance is free and tomorrow really never has to come. Wham bam and back again – infatuation – connection – dangerous interpretation of what I think I want to have. Mysterious possibility of all those dreams I’ve had – the image in the deepest corners of my mind slip alive in front of me and I am all in. I think.
On the other hand there is the slow pull of a conversation. There is a peaceful knowing and a comfort afforded in the deliberate emails, texts and 100 questions we both must answer. The dance is slow and methodical and the vibe barely audible yet hardly avoidable. Time is shared over months and miles before you finally take the chance and meet. The eyes are kind and the life certain and planned. A friendship develops and a cautious step allows me to take a turn in the road that was most unexpected. This is different. She is kind and systematic – I am undefined and understanding. We are alike in our values and dissimilar in our views. We gravitate towards a connection that is easy and knowing. Is this enough for the wild child in my heart? Am I here to pull her from her quiet ground and help her find the chaotic familiarity of a wild curiosity that just might bridge the differences between us? Am I ready for a real, deep, meaningful, giving, nurturing relationship after all these years? It would be nice to be certain of all I hope to be so certain of in my life. It would be new to be cared for and cherished and wanted more than I have known before. A grown up and a grown up – a slow steady stream of waves riding the tide of what may be an uncomplicated relationship for all the right reasons – for once. I hope.
Who is right for me at this point in my life? What relationship would do me more good than harm? Can I give up the roller coaster, spontaneous uncertainty and perfect kiss? Can I find the passion and the challenge and the exhilaration in a calm and predictable soul? Is it time to put away childish hopes and adolescent fantasies to have the peaceful certainty of a life long partner and friend? Or can the mystical magical girl inside of me have the best of both worlds? Roll down the windows and crank the tunes – and let the ride take me to exactly the place I need to be and trust that the right one knows me when she sees me – cause God knows my bipolar heart might never recognize her when she is standing right in front of me.
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About K. Guzman
Kathy grew up all over the US - lots of east coast time. She is a surfer girl with an unabridged curiosity. A woman whose mid life awakening continues to bring her to the place she was meant to be. Her degree in Journalism/Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida is being yanked from the archives and put to good use. Her two kids are grown and rock stars in this wild world – her Harley is ready for some serious summer miles – and her heart remains open to life, women and the possibilities each day brings.