(Disclaimer: I’m not heterophobic. Some of my closest friends are straight. I just figured, since they make fun of me so often, why not return the favor.)
Top 10 (Really Dumb) Questions Straight Guys Ask Lesbians
So you like girls? So….you’re bi?
I am not sure exactly what it is about the male ego, but guys can rarely wrap their minds around the idea of a woman not being attracted to men. I guess I need to be as specific as possible when rejecting a guy.
My girlfriend is interested in inviting another girl into the bedroom. Would you be interested?
Rarely is the preceding statement true. Usually one of two things is the case: (1) the guy is hoping that I will agree and then he will ask his girlfriend and hope that she will agree too, or (2) she already said no and he is thinking that she just needs to know that another girl would be on board.
In addition to the long list of hopes that accompanies a man’s desire for a three-way, he is hoping, generally, to have sex with both women. So clearly, the fact that I am only attracted to girls has not been absorbed.
Really? You are?
To fully appreciate the stupidity of this question, one must hear the question and the way it is asked.
I get incredulous responses all the time like “But you wear makeup and your hair is long.” While it may seem paradoxical, the worst thing is when people tell me “But you’re so pretty.” I take about 5 seconds to blush and be flattered until I realize that they are directly implying that lesbians cannot be pretty. I mean it already bad enough that they cannot imagine a lesbian being feminine, but saying that we cannot be pretty?! Seriously?! If we couldn’t be attractive why would we pursue other lesbians?
I guess straight guys want to believe they have a shot with every beautiful woman and that there is less probability that they will go home with an ugly one. A rather sick, dare I say fascist fantasy.
What kind of girls do you like?
While this might seem like a question that shows a guy is interested in learning more about you, the truth is what he’s really asking is “can you describe a girl so I can imagine you too making out?”
This is a straight guys way of trying to make your personal life interesting for himself.
If you’ve never had sex with a guy, then how do you know that you’re a lesbian?
This question pops up all the time. I usually ask them the same thing: “How do you know your straight if you’ve never had sex with a man.” Once they get passed my “accusation,” they respond by saying “Because guys don’t get me hot like women do.” Well that is actually the same for lesbians.
A few guys ask, “What do you have against dick?” It is not the dick with which I am concerned, but rather to whom the dick is strapped.
So do you peek in the locker room at the gym?
If you’re asking if I check out naked girls changing, the answer is no. If I double take in the locker room, it is for a nonsexual reason, like a woman having a set moles that forms the Big Dipper on her shoulder. I know that that is rude too, but at least it is not perverted.
Having said that, I should not be so pious when answering this question. Naturally I have thought about looking at girls in a bathroom or locker room, but then I remind myself that this is not a time to be gay. I know that isn’t PC, but the initial reason for splitting men and women into different bathrooms and locker rooms is so that each could be comfortable and not worry about being stared at while changing, and I gladly respect that.
What would I have to do to change your mind?
Usually when a guy finds himself persistently trying to flirt with a lesbian, it’s not because he’s particularly attracted to her. It’s because their egos can’t take it.
If you ever decide to change back, can I call you?
This is a question very closely linked with question 8.
I hate this question, because not only is it false flattery, but it suggest that a lesbian “switched teams.”
When were you going to tell me?
Oh I’m sorry, strange male acquaintance. Seeing as I have only known you for 30 minutes, and I thought we were having a perfectly good platonic conversation, I did not think to tell you until it came up.
I usually don’t tell a guy until I am certain that he’s hitting on me. Otherwise, why is it any of his business?
(Really Dumb) Questions Straight Girls Ask Lesbians
How do you decide which one of you is the man?
I should be more sympathetic to this question, since frankly I wonder the same thing about straight couples.
I hooked up with a girl once, so that makes me bi, right?
Firstly, I don’t understand why it is that straight girls come to me with this question, as if I’m an expert on all things gay. “Straight” girl, you probably know yourself better than I do, so maybe ask yourself these questions if you think it is something worth thinking about.
Secondly, no, it does not make you bisexual. I used to kiss boys (and on strange occasions still do) and I do not identify as straight or bisexual. There are always circumstances surrounding intimacy with someone of either gender. Were you drunk? Was the person a close friend? A stranger? Did perhaps a joke or public make-out session go a bit too far? Do you regret the decision? Did you enjoy it? How far did it go? Etc.
As I am writing, I am realizing that this question is not an incredibly stupid question in itself. Still, do not assume that all lesbians have sexuality down to a science.
So that girl I saw you talking to…She’s your partner?
If a straight acquaintance sees you with a woman they do not know, they will automatically assume that you are together.
I remember a few months, after I had just moved into my apartment, my best friend (straight, by the way) slept over. My roommate saw us come out of my room the next morning, so once she left they asked me “Hey, is that your – well, you know, your –”
Sometimes people don’t even wait until my friend leaves. They just wait until they think she is not looking, turn to me and mouth the question, usually while pointing to the girl and then making a V with their fingers. (Seriously?!)
How can you do…that? Like what’s the appeal?
Notice her that the question isn’t “How do it do it.” Rather the question is “how can I.”
Look the way I see it, sexuality is a very diverse phenomenon. And in the same way a straight girl cannot convince me that testosterone is sexy, I cannot convince someone that what I am attracted to is sexy.
For whatever reason, straight girls cannot understand why lesbians do not like intercourse. And often they are uncomfortable with the thought of two women having sex. Frankly, to them, intercourse is “normal” and lesbian sex is “kinky.”
So do you ever think you are a man in a woman’s body?
On the contrary; as a lesbian I would NEVER want a man in my body.
You know, I’m straight, right?
As soon as a lot of girls learn that I am a lesbian, they feel the need to inform me that they are not lesbians themselves.
Sometimes it is not stated so transparently. They might respond to this new by saying “Really that’s cool. I mean, I’m not or anything, but that’s totally cool with me.”
Straight girls, you have no reason to panic. I’m like you: I assume your straight unless stated otherwise. (not saying that is a positive habit, but heterosexuals seem to be majority)
What’s your type? I mean would you ever consider dating someone like me?
Look, just because I like girls, does not mean I feel comfortable telling you why I would or would not date a girl like you. I am not going to answer this question. There are other ways to boost the ego than to present oneself as the template of ones sexual partner.
What was your childhood like? Were you assaulted? Did your dad leave?….
After learning that I was a lesbian, a classmate asked me if I had a rough childhood.
And this was not really a one-time question. When people learn that I’m a lesbian, my personal history is questioned. Have I had difficult and uncomfortable sexual relationships with men? Absolutely. Of course my relationships with guys have been uncomfortable…BECAUSE I AM A LESBIAN.
Whether people will admit to themselves or to others, a lot of people still categorize homosexuality as a perversion or illness.
Also, considering that these are commonly viewed as extremely personal topics, it is not fair to assume that, just because I’m open about my sexual orientation, that I am open about every personal detail of my life.
So you’re like a femme? Or are you a butch? And what’s a dipstick lesbian?
(Someone actually asked me what a dipstick lesbian was. My guess is that she misheard and just assumed that a dipstick was some kind of lesbian sex toy. )
There is, of course a realm of gender neutral heterocentrism. Here a few good examples of questions I have received from straight folks
Have you read the bible?… So you know what God thinks about homosexuality?…And that doesn’t scare you?
Some people have some misguided notion that homosexuals are unfamiliar with the bible. I have gone to Catholic school my whole life and like every other member of the student body, us closet-cases had to read the bible too. And yes there were times when Leviticus and Corithians were analyzed and discussed in depth. And yes, there were times that the laws in the bible scared me into thinking I was going to burn in Hell.
I feel that this is a heavy topic and I should not go into depth about biblical analyses the religious stances on homosexuality. But what I will say is this: isn’t the greatest sin to deny who you are, be you a painter, or a preacher, or a carpet muncher?
Can I give my neighbor your number? She’s a lesbian, too.
Maybe it is because lesbians are perceived as minority, but for some reason, straight people always want to set me up with [the only] other lesbian that they know.
As stupid as it is, I guess it is kind of sweet of the straighties to try. I mean maybe they are just worried that we are struggling to find mates. It could also be to prevent us from “preying on their women,” but I should give them the benefit of the doubt.
How does “it” work?
I just tell people that two woman just fuse their vaginas together and their spirits become one, much like in Avatar. (I have yet to find a girl who is willing to disprove this method, so for all I know, it’s possible.)
So what’s the deal with [insert lesbian/bisexual celebrity name here]
Again, I am not an expert on all things gay.
Would you be offended if I ask you something?
Well when you have to ask, you’re already off to a bad start. But sure, go ahead.
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Casey is a creative writing student at DePaul university. She enjoys reading, writing, and taking long walks around the city of Chicago.