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The (Really Dumb) Questions Heteros Ask Lesbians

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(Disclaimer: I’m not heterophobic. Some of my closest friends are straight. I just figured, since they make fun of me so often, why not return the favor.)

 

Top 10 (Really Dumb) Questions Straight Guys Ask Lesbians

So you like girls? So….you’re bi?

I am not sure exactly what it is about the male ego, but guys can rarely wrap their minds around the idea of a woman not being attracted to men. I guess I need to be as specific as possible when rejecting a guy.

My girlfriend is interested in inviting another girl into the bedroom. Would you be interested?
Rarely is the preceding statement true. Usually one of two things is the case: (1) the guy is hoping that I will agree and then he will ask his girlfriend and hope that she will agree too, or (2) she already said no and he is thinking that she just needs to know that another girl would be on board.

In addition to the long list of hopes that accompanies a man’s desire for a three-way, he is hoping, generally, to have sex with both women. So clearly, the fact that I am only attracted to girls has not been absorbed.

Really? You are?
To fully appreciate the stupidity of this question, one must hear the question and the way it is asked.

I get incredulous responses all the time like “But you wear makeup and your hair is long.” While it may seem paradoxical, the worst thing is when people tell me “But you’re so pretty.” I take about 5 seconds to blush and be flattered until I realize that they are directly implying that lesbians cannot be pretty. I mean it already bad enough that they cannot imagine a lesbian being feminine, but saying that we cannot be pretty?! Seriously?! If we couldn’t be attractive why would we pursue other lesbians?

I guess straight guys want to believe they have a shot with every beautiful woman and that there is less probability that they will go home with an ugly one. A rather sick, dare I say fascist fantasy.

What kind of girls do you like?
While this might seem like a question that shows a guy is interested in learning more about you, the truth is what he’s really asking is “can you describe a girl so I can imagine you too making out?”

This is a straight guys way of trying to make your personal life interesting for himself.

If you’ve never had sex with a guy, then how do you know that you’re a lesbian?
This question pops up all the time. I usually ask them the same thing: “How do you know your straight if you’ve never had sex with a man.” Once they get passed my “accusation,” they respond by saying “Because guys don’t get me hot like women do.” Well that is actually the same for lesbians.

A few guys ask, “What do you have against dick?” It is not the dick with which I am concerned, but rather to whom the dick is strapped.

So do you peek in the locker room at the gym?
If you’re asking if I check out naked girls changing, the answer is no. If I double take in the locker room, it is for a nonsexual reason, like a woman having a set moles that forms the Big Dipper on her shoulder. I know that that is rude too, but at least it is not perverted.

Having said that, I should not be so pious when answering this question. Naturally I have thought about looking at girls in a bathroom or locker room, but then I remind myself that this is not a time to be gay. I know that isn’t PC, but the initial reason for splitting men and women into different bathrooms and locker rooms is so that each could be comfortable and not worry about being stared at while changing, and I gladly respect that.

What would I have to do to change your mind?
Usually when a guy finds himself persistently trying to flirt with a lesbian, it’s not because he’s particularly attracted to her. It’s because their egos can’t take it.

If you ever decide to change back, can I call you?
This is a question very closely linked with question 8.

I hate this question, because not only is it false flattery, but it suggest that a lesbian “switched teams.”

When were you going to tell me?
Oh I’m sorry, strange male acquaintance. Seeing as I have only known you for 30 minutes, and I thought we were having a perfectly good platonic conversation, I did not think to tell you until it came up.

I usually don’t tell a guy until I am certain that he’s hitting on me. Otherwise, why is it any of his business?

(Really Dumb) Questions Straight Girls Ask Lesbians

How do you decide which one of you is the man?
I should be more sympathetic to this question, since frankly I wonder the same thing about straight couples.

I hooked up with a girl once, so that makes me bi, right?
Firstly, I don’t understand why it is that straight girls come to me with this question, as if I’m an expert on all things gay. “Straight” girl, you probably know yourself better than I do, so maybe ask yourself these questions if you think it is something worth thinking about.

Secondly, no, it does not make you bisexual. I used to kiss boys (and on strange occasions still do) and I do not identify as straight or bisexual. There are always circumstances surrounding intimacy with someone of either gender. Were you drunk? Was the person a close friend? A stranger? Did perhaps a joke or public make-out session go a bit too far? Do you regret the decision? Did you enjoy it? How far did it go? Etc.

As I am writing, I am realizing that this question is not an incredibly stupid question in itself. Still, do not assume that all lesbians have sexuality down to a science.

So that girl I saw you talking to…She’s your partner?
If a straight acquaintance sees you with a woman they do not know, they will automatically assume that you are together.

I remember a few months, after I had just moved into my apartment, my best friend (straight, by the way) slept over. My roommate saw us come out of my room the next morning, so once she left they asked me “Hey, is that your – well, you know, your –”

Sometimes people don’t even wait until my friend leaves. They just wait until they think she is not looking, turn to me and mouth the question, usually while pointing to the girl and then making a V with their fingers. (Seriously?!)

How can you do…that? Like what’s the appeal?
Notice her that the question isn’t “How do it do it.” Rather the question is “how can I.”

Look the way I see it, sexuality is a very diverse phenomenon. And in the same way a straight girl cannot convince me that testosterone is sexy, I cannot convince someone that what I am attracted to is sexy.

For whatever reason, straight girls cannot understand why lesbians do not like intercourse. And often they are uncomfortable with the thought of two women having sex. Frankly, to them, intercourse is “normal” and lesbian sex is “kinky.”

So do you ever think you are a man in a woman’s body?
On the contrary; as a lesbian I would NEVER want a man in my body.

You know, I’m straight, right?
As soon as a lot of girls learn that I am a lesbian, they feel the need to inform me that they are not lesbians themselves.

Sometimes it is not stated so transparently. They might respond to this new by saying “Really that’s cool. I mean, I’m not or anything, but that’s totally cool with me.”

Straight girls, you have no reason to panic. I’m like you: I assume your straight unless stated otherwise. (not saying that is a positive habit, but heterosexuals seem to be majority)

What’s your type? I mean would you ever consider dating someone like me?
Look, just because I like girls, does not mean I feel comfortable telling you why I would or would not date a girl like you. I am not going to answer this question. There are other ways to boost the ego than to present oneself as the template of ones sexual partner.

What was your childhood like? Were you assaulted? Did your dad leave?….
After learning that I was a lesbian, a classmate asked me if I had a rough childhood.

And this was not really a one-time question. When people learn that I’m a lesbian, my personal history is questioned. Have I had difficult and uncomfortable sexual relationships with men? Absolutely. Of course my relationships with guys have been uncomfortable…BECAUSE I AM A LESBIAN.

Whether people will admit to themselves or to others, a lot of people still categorize homosexuality as a perversion or illness.

Also, considering that these are commonly viewed as extremely personal topics, it is not fair to assume that, just because I’m open about my sexual orientation, that I am open about every personal detail of my life.

So you’re like a femme? Or are you a butch? And what’s a dipstick lesbian?
(Someone actually asked me what a dipstick lesbian was. My guess is that she misheard and just assumed that a dipstick was some kind of lesbian sex toy. )

There is, of course a realm of gender neutral heterocentrism. Here a few good examples of questions I have received from straight folks

Have you read the bible?… So you know what God thinks about homosexuality?…And that doesn’t scare you?
Some people have some misguided notion that homosexuals are unfamiliar with the bible. I have gone to Catholic school my whole life and like every other member of the student body, us closet-cases had to read the bible too. And yes there were times when Leviticus and Corithians were analyzed and discussed in depth. And yes, there were times that the laws in the bible scared me into thinking I was going to burn in Hell.

I feel that this is a heavy topic and I should not go into depth about biblical analyses the religious stances on homosexuality. But what I will say is this: isn’t the greatest sin to deny who you are, be you a painter, or a preacher, or a carpet muncher?

Can I give my neighbor your number? She’s a lesbian, too.
Maybe it is because lesbians are perceived as minority, but for some reason, straight people always want to set me up with [the only] other lesbian that they know.

As stupid as it is, I guess it is kind of sweet of the straighties to try. I mean maybe they are just worried that we are struggling to find mates. It could also be to prevent us from “preying on their women,” but I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

How does “it” work?
I just tell people that two woman just fuse their vaginas together and their spirits become one, much like in Avatar. (I have yet to find a girl who is willing to disprove this method, so for all I know, it’s possible.)

So what’s the deal with [insert lesbian/bisexual celebrity name here]
Again, I am not an expert on all things gay.

Would you be offended if I ask you something?
Well when you have to ask, you’re already off to a bad start. But sure, go ahead.

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About Casey

Casey is a creative writing student at DePaul university. She enjoys reading, writing, and taking long walks around the city of Chicago.

Discussion

31 Responses to “The (Really Dumb) Questions Heteros Ask Lesbians”

  1. LOve it those questions are so spot on lol …. GOOD job

    Posted by linda | May 3, 2011, 2:00 pm
  2. Thank you, Linda! I’m glad you liked it.

    Posted by Casey | May 4, 2011, 3:04 pm
  3. Beautiful, it reads exactly how you talk!

    Posted by Anne | May 4, 2011, 4:32 pm
  4. Thanks, Anne! I didn’t realize that I talk beautifully.
    Appreciate the read.

    Posted by Casey | May 5, 2011, 9:28 am
  5. those questions are so real! If you don’t mind, I’ll have to still some of your answers :)

    Posted by Clarice | June 28, 2011, 3:14 am
  6. those questions are so real! If you don’t mind, I’ll have to steal some of your answers :)

    Posted by Clarice | June 28, 2011, 3:15 am
  7. Well thank you Clarice. Steal away!

    Posted by Casey | June 28, 2011, 3:23 am
  8. hi! I reposted your blog in my blog :) I love this article… thank you for sharing!

    Posted by Maria Eloisa | August 11, 2011, 1:30 am
  9. Hi Maria Eloisa.
    Sorry for the late reply.
    I’m very flattered you reposted.

    I’ll have to check out your blog sometime.

    Thanks for reading!

    Posted by Casey | September 7, 2011, 5:53 am
  10. This Made Me Giggle…It’s Sooo True! Most Of these Questions Me And My Girlfriend Were Asked…Straight Guys Really Do Irritate Me Sometimes…And Straight Girls….Don’t Get Me Started! ^_^ XxSGxX

    Posted by Sammi | September 12, 2011, 10:10 am
  11. This made me wonder, if people want to know more about you and your sexuality how are they supposed to learn without asking questions?

    Why is “So do you peek in the locker room at the gym?” a stupid question? A lot of other people would look at naked people whom they were attracted to…

    I don’t understand how you have a lack of a desire to be questioned on these things but you still want people to understand you and your place in the world.

    Posted by Happy Duck | January 2, 2012, 2:16 pm
  12. @Happy Duck
    (Awesome Name BTW)

    First, let me thank you for reading my article. Whether you liked it or you completely disagreed with it, I always appreciate people taking the time to read my articles.

    Having said that, I don’t feel that the questions they ask are usually do end ignorance. Questions like “Do you peak in the locker room at the gym?” suggest that a lesbian would not honor the unspoken rules of the locker room.

    I’m also not trying to make a serious statement against straight people. I understand that sometimes they don’t mean to offend or irritate with these questions. But think about it: do you think I wrote this article with them in mind? No, I did not. I wrote this to be both entertaining and relatable to lesbians.

    This probably wasn’t a sufficient answer for you, but that’s all I got.

    Happy New Year Happy Duck!

    Posted by Casey | January 2, 2012, 4:35 pm
  13. I found this article upon searching for some insight on questions that are commonly asked to lesbians that are in fact offensive and/or stupid. I think all of the questions above are plain stupid. What sort of questions do people (of reasonable intelligence) ask that, if one were to think of how the question comes across and the underlying assumptions implicit in the question, are in fact offensive?

    Posted by Thomas | January 31, 2012, 12:48 am
  14. For the question “So do you ever think you are a man in a woman’s body?”
    You should also point out that people who feel that way are transgenders, not homosexuals (though they can be homosexual).

    And as for the Bible, it’s a common misconception that the Bible says being a homosexual is a sin. All it says is that homosexual sexual activity is a sin because it’s unnatural (but it doesn’t say anything about homosexuality itself) as it doesn’t take part in procreation which also means that protected heterosexual sex is just as big of a sin.

    but yeah, good post. People can get irritating.
    I have pretty much all the same thoughts. (With the exception of the bisexuality question. I could never be in a relationship with or kiss the sex I’m not attracted to like you say you can/ have. I don’t personally understand that, but everyone’s different.)

    Posted by Emily | February 29, 2012, 5:28 pm
  15. I got some beef with calling some these dumb questions.

    “So that girl I saw you talking to…She’s your partner?”
    If my best friend slept in my room, and a bro saw her leaving my room, he’d probably ask if I was doing her. It’s a very typical question for straight people to ask.

    “What’s your type? I mean would you ever consider dating someone like me?”
    Have you ever considered, maybe, just maybe, a whole lot of straight women are open to “trying out” another woman just once? I know quite a few.

    I found the majority of the remaining questions to be hilariously awkward.

    Posted by Anonymous | March 24, 2012, 12:03 pm
  16. How do you know you are lesbian? What’s the thing that makes you feel that way?

    Posted by Guy | April 4, 2012, 9:15 pm
  17. Haha…this is too funny. I do think if you are actually friends with a lesbian and are curious about them as a whole then some of these questions are ok. I’m a psychology major and very open minded. I like to see how various people tick, not just lesbians. Just walking up to someone or asking out of the blue is inappropriate. I like ur blog and have witnessed many of those questions. Thanks for sharing.

    Posted by Krimmi | April 10, 2012, 11:26 pm
  18. We do whatever strikes our fancy from sex parties to hiking. The straight guys are right. Sometimes we have orgies but keep it discreet.

    Posted by Leslie | July 6, 2012, 2:29 pm
  19. I love this. Its all the stupid questions I hear. You should post more!

    Posted by lessia | July 10, 2012, 12:22 pm
  20. Hmmmm, must suck growing up gay in the US – in UK the whole bible thing never comes up – one of my best mates in school was lesbian, so I got a bit of the inside track. I get that this is written by you for other lesbians, but I’m an educated intelligent and modest ;p hetero guy and I hope you’d read my comments without being too defensive.
    I was a lil offended that the whole threesome thing was treated so aggresively – my ex was bi and she did bring up the idea of a threesome. admittedly, id’ve let her broach the subject if it’d gotten to that stage but regardless you seem to wish to be understood by guys and yet this article seems quite agressivw against hetero guys particularly on that point. granted i didnt ask my friend if she ogled other girls in the changing room as that woulda been disrespectful hence i googlized it to satiate my curiosity.all in all i like the aay you write but I would add it comes with the territory is all – mens ego is hardwired via evolution to be tied to their sexuality. ergo,an attractive lesbian would confuse them. at least those of average to low intelligence or even insecure switched on guys. Guess the thrust of my point is (sickeningly straight guy turn of phrase…lol). Guys can need some stuff explaining a little and one of the rwasons i liked my friend was if i was curious about stuff she was pretty cool with explaining shizzle. reflexive aggression on your part is probly gonna make stupid guys like the ones you describe less understanding and slowly take a crap in your karma. Be nice to such people and the world’d be a better place slowly, bit by bit. Did like the article just got a hint of heterophobia in there,hmmmm. cuts both ways keep on truckin’

    Posted by Peter | September 2, 2012, 2:35 pm
  21. The particular questions you are mocking and the way that you have responded to them indicates that you are just as ignorant, judgmental, and irrational as the people you make fun of.

    Also, I would like to point out that you did not actually answer the question about what your childhood was like. I don’t expect you to reveal all your life’s problem online, but you seem so open about everything else, why so quiet on this one? I think we both know the answer to that, lol. Your ruse is transparent.

    Posted by music4283 | October 30, 2012, 11:45 am
  22. You mention the fabled ‘male ego” and I’d like to add that the straight female defensively saying “you know I’m straight?” is a perfect example of the much unknown but typical female ego, the “everyone wants to shag me” mindset. You’ve got it too, I feel that the “what kind of girls do you like” question from straight men is more a question built for picking up chicks with you as opposed to some perverted lesbian orgy fantasy, we just want to be your wingman! I enjoy the company of lesbians but it certainly doesn’t get me hot to see them kiss, I think the prevalence of that fantasy is way over exaggerated.

    Posted by Bob | November 24, 2012, 4:44 pm
  23. Fun article with good answers to some of the fun questions you get asked. The article made me laugh, especially due to the fact that I have a distinct big dipper in freckles on my shoulder.

    Posted by SQZ | January 3, 2013, 5:34 pm
  24. why in the world do we have so many of these type of women these days?

    Posted by Absolutely Right | April 21, 2013, 10:13 am
  25. Some people are offended by the writer’s questions and answers here. I might be able to help here…the thing is, lesbians get asked these questions over and over. Not only is the fact that our orientation is a minority and different than most peoples’and therefore something that stands out about us to many people, it can be hard to have something so personal be so seemingly prominent and unique to other people. Straight people don’t get asked questions about their orientation, what they find sexy or don’t find sexy, how they know they’re straight, when they knew they were straight, in what ways they have sex, etc. by anyone other than very close friends except very very rarely. Curiosity combined with wanting to support us can lead to uncomfortable questions for us. It may not always seem like it, but it is. A defense mechanism is to answer in ways in which you hope the person asking will drop it. While we recognize interest or wanting to show support, what we really want is for other girls and straight men alike to treat our orientation as a nondescript part of us as well as accept it as is, not try to qualify it or delve into the specifics of understanding as though we are an alien or as though we are so different from them. I know this comes largely from the fact that our side of sexual orientation is not known by personal experience for straight people, curiosity killed the cat, and some questions are genuinely an effort to be supportive, but it can be difficult to be on the receiving end of questions about one of the most personal things about us. At the root of all of us is a person, and we are just like you.

    Posted by Anonymous | April 22, 2013, 5:40 am
  26. Whats perverted about checking out other girls in the locker room? Perverted is a word for something negative or abnormal, and I don’t think checking out other people in the locker room is perverted.

    Posted by GLane | April 30, 2013, 9:55 am
  27. I have had many lesbian friends/students/coworkers over the years and have never been inspired to ask questions I myself question in appropriateness…until I met this one new couple here recently. They are both creative, intriguing, ridiculously amazing humans, and I find myself thinking about them so much that my curiosity has seeped into territory that is normally, in my mind’s map, labeled None of My Business. Thank you for this post, and while it doesn’t answer all the things I keep promising myself I won’t blurt out like an idiot after that “last” glass of wine, thank you for reminding me that curiosity and fascination can be mistaken for foolishness… I’m glad smart/empathetic women like you recognize that! And that you have the gumption to make a post like this for people like me to google!

    Posted by Jane | July 8, 2013, 6:31 pm
  28. now i can see why us straight guys have a problem meeting a good woman today to share a life with, obviously.

    Posted by TheAbsoluteTruth | July 15, 2013, 7:28 pm
  29. I’ve gotten many of these questions asked at me too. So annoying…

    Posted by AEA | July 29, 2013, 1:14 am
  30. you hit the bullseye about straight guys trying to convert us. speaking as a attractive lesbian myself I do get that craps from stubborn males which really annoys me. those dickheads ego can’t take rejection to the point of bordering on sexual harassment !! is it because they think we don’t dare to punch them in the face that’s why they are so persistent??

    don’t you worry about some guys calling u on the heterophobia part. heard of the Fox who can’t reach the grapes calling it sour?? typical male losers will always be losers. they should take a chill pill and wank off until their foreskins drop off lol.

    Posted by grace | December 23, 2013, 9:54 am
  31. Nothing wrong with being gay, but usually these articles are from ugly personalities. I dont care youre gay, im not blogging about how many girls hook up with me and why. I think there are fair questions you need to expect by going against the grain of not only society but what nature intended. Penis goes in vagina. So you come off salty and self absorbed when you attack “straighties” for being curious or who you are.

    Posted by Robert | March 24, 2014, 4:52 pm

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